Hi! I’m Paulien and I’m so happy you are here. In this blog I’m going to tell you more about 10 ways you deactivate as a fearful avoidant. Deactivation is so confusing for both partners and understanding it better can really really help you.
What is deactivation? Yes, it’s definitely attachment style lingo and I don’t want to run the risk of you not knowing it. So all the insecure attachment styles have deactivation and activation mechanisms. The anxious preoccupied usually only uses activation mechanisms which means that is the way you pull your partner close. The avoidance attached use deactivation mechanisms mostly which means you push your partner away. The fearful avoidant uses both which makes it so freaking confusing because the one moment you want them close and you actively do things to pull your partner close and the next moment you are pushing them away. A lot of times you don’t even know why you’re doing it and also that you are doing it.
#1 Getting angry
What the fearful avoidant has more than the deactivation mechanisms from the avoidant attached is the emotional volatility. So where the avoidant attached will push partners away in a more subdued way, the fearful avoidant tends to use more emotional intensity while pushing the partner away. As soon as you start healing this mostly anger is the first one to go. Anger is always a way to break the connection and push somebody away, to put them in a place that feels safe enough for you, far away enough from you, that feels safe. And getting angry definitely is one way to do that.
And it’s also very confusing. And a lot of times afterwards you feel guilty, you feel shame. Even so, it’s not a fun mechanism to have, but it’s a very common one. So you are not alone.
#2 Becoming critical
The second one is becoming critical and this can go hand in hand with being angry, it can also just stand alone. But what can happen is you get triggered again, your partner gets too close or says something or you think of something or even you can be talking about the future and wanting to get married. And all of a sudden your fear brain just jumps on and is like: no, that’s scary, that’s threatening, we’re not going to do that. And all of a sudden you become really critical of everything your partner does or says or the way he or she looks or talks. And it can be really small things which can make you feel so superficial. Like, I remember I would be critical about the brow hairs of my now husband Arien, and I would be critical that he didn’t cut them enough and it was just silly, but it was such a big thing. It felt like such a big thing in the moment because it was a deactivation mechanism.
And it has to feel really real and really big in order for you to really feel that that connection is broken and your partner is at a safe distance. That’s what it’s made for. So even though it can be really small things, they feel really big for you. And it’s very good to acknowledge that and to not make yourself wrong for it or think you’re crazy because of it. You definitely aren’t crazy. This is how it’s designed.
#3 Blaming
And this sometimes goes hand in hand with being critical, but sometimes stands alone in the way that it could be that it’s just going really well in your relationship and you actually realize you’re happy in a way, or at least it’s just very stable.And all of a sudden that’s not enough. That’s not enough because the fearful avoidant wants perfection, because imperfection lies security. That’s what your fear brain thinks, and that’s not true, but that’s what your fear brain wants. It just wants 100% certainty that this will work forever. And the moment you for instance realize that you’re actually quite happy or things are stable, your fear brain can be like: oh, but that’s not perfect and it has to be perfect.
So all of a sudden you start thinking about the ways it’s not perfect, which makes you feel unhappy, or shines a light on maybe the areas that you are unhappy in. And all of a sudden you’re blaming your partner for things. You’re blaming your partner for not being romantic enough. So why doesn’t your partner just bring home flowers or write you love notes? And it feels like you are expressing your unhappiness and it feels like a healthy thing to do. It feels like this is just something you have to do in order to build a healthy relationship.
But please, the next time you feel that urge, just take a couple of breaths and try to see if there’s actually something triggering you in that moment. And try not to express it in the moment. Just try to calm down and see if something is triggering you and if it’s still an issue you want to talk about 24 hours later then please do. I mean don’t stuff things inside and not talk about it. That’s not what I’m saying. But don’t express it in the moment you feel it because it definitely can be a deactivation mechanism and what you create is a lot of confusion for you and for your partner. So just waiting that 24 hours can really help if you’re able to.
#4 Feeling resentment
The fourth one is feeling resentment or feeling better than your partner or losing all respect for your partner. And this one can feel so confusing and also so powerless because it could be that you actually have found somebody that you really care about and then all of a sudden you start resenting that person and you start losing all respect for that person. And it feels like it is not a good basis to build a relationship on, because you should always feel respect for each other. And you get annoyed by all the little things that he or she does. You might even think they’re dumb or incapable and this is actually a way to make you feel more powerful.
So it could happen in a way that or in a moment that you actually feel triggered around vulnerability. It could also be that it is just a way to break the connection because when you feel better than other people, so better than your partner, there is a difference between you two and knowing that everybody is just exactly right as they are, everybody is lovable, everybody is worthy of love, makes everybody equal. And that can be very threatening for a fearful avoidant because that means that there is a possibility for connection here. There is a possibility for connection as long as you feel better than others or less than others, there is no ability for connection and that’s what you’re very afraid of. So actually feeling better than and losing all respect for your partner is a way to break the connection and to deactivate.
#5 Not being able to speak
So what your partner sees is that you just put up a wall, you don’t speak, you retreat in yourself completely and you can actually seem a little bit mad but just refuse to speak. But what can actually be happening is that you are flooded with emotions and feelings and that you cannot handle that. This is actually quite an avoidant way of deactivating but definitely one the fearful avoidant has too. And sometimes it actually can be so extreme that you cannot physically speak.
I remember these moments so vividly that something triggered me. I had no idea that it was a trigger. I had no idea I was a fearful avoidant. But I do remember that I was just not able to speak. And my husband would ask me questions and would try to reach me and all of that just put up more walls and I just could not get words out of my mouth. So one of the ways we started working with is that we came up with a hand sign. I don’t remember what it is anymore. It was something with a fist and then it’s a long time ago, it’s ten years ago, but when I did that, he knew that I just couldn’t talk at that moment. And so I would just calm down and we would talk at a later point. Again, I had no idea what was happening. I had no idea this was the fearful avoidant attachment style. But that really did help because I just could not physically speak. And that made him insecure. So that hand gesture made him know like: oh, okay, she just can’t talk right now. She’s not choosing to not talk. She just physically can’t. So that might help.
#6 Distrusting your partner
Then there’s distrusting your partner and therefore asking a million questions. So it could be that you’re triggered out of nowhere and all of a sudden you’re like: can I trust them? And it could be in a different couple of ways. It could be that you distrust whether they will cheat on you. It could be distrust that they will leave you. It could be distrust that they really got you like they are there for you and they can protect you. It can be in different ways, but all of a sudden you have a million questions. It could also be something simple like your partner coming home late from work and you’re like, what happened?
And not even necessarily making the story of they cheated, but making the story around it of apparently I’m not worthy of getting a phone call that you’re late and blah, blah, blah. So distrusting your partner and asking a million questions is also a way of breaking the connection. And that sounds weird because I think all of us at some point in our lives have heard that questions are the way to connect with another human being. But that really depends on where the questions are coming from and what the goal of the questions are. And when the questions come from a place of deep fear and wanting confirmation, they are not focused on connection. They are focused on safety and security. And it’s not wrong. It’s just that that does not lead necessarily to connection. Even though in the moment you feel like it is. You feel like you just want to know this for sure and then you’ll be fine.
But it’s actually what you’re doing in the moment is breaking the connection because it doesn’t feel safe for whatever reason, so distrusting and asking a million questions. When you notice yourself doing that, check yourself because it could be that you’re triggered.
# 7 Feeling guilt and shame and therefore retreat
Then another very, very confusing one is feeling guilt and shame for something you’ve done in the past and then retreating. And this could happen in any moment. Like you could be in a conversation with your partner and it could actually be that you think: oh, I really like you, I really maybe even love you. And then all of a sudden you’re like, but I talked to this guy or girl at a party three years ago and maybe I was a little bit too flirty and what if that’s really wrong? And should I tell my partner? But what if they leave me? So what you do in that moment is you retreat to your head because you cannot handle the feeling of actually liking your partner and relaxing in that.
So when you feel a lot of guilt and shame and start ruminating or thinking obsessively about things you’ve done in the past: you notice yourself retreating to your head. See if you’re triggered, see if something was triggered. And a lot of times this comes from a positive thing. So it comes from you actually feeling happy in your relationship or actually liking your partner and realizing that and just being so afraid to lose them. What you do is you break the connection by going into your head and not coming back into connection until you feel like you’re perfect or you’ve solved this problem.
But what actually is the case: you won’t come back into connection until you feel like you’ve punished yourself enough. Because feeling guilt and shame around things you’ve done in the past is a way of punishing yourself and breaking the connection.
#8 Making jokes or getting playful when things get intimate
Then another one that I really for a long time didn’t see was actually the deactivation mechanism is making jokes or getting playful when things get intimate.
And this is such an interesting one because as a fearful avoidant, you long for passion. You think you want passion and then when there is a possibility for it, for real, true intimacy out of which lifelong passion comes, you’re scared and it just gets too intense and too real. So you start making jokes and you start getting playful. And that is also a way of breaking the connection. And I remember doing this and in the beginning I was like: what’s happening, what are you doing? And after a while I just got annoyed when I did it. I had no idea why I did it. So I would do it and I was like: oh, I’m so sorry, I did it again. And in the end we found a way around it. And after a long time, I think after years I found out it was actually because I was so scared of the intimacy. I was actually deactivating. So this is the sneaky one also.
#9 Focusing on a problem in the relationship
Then the 9th one is focusing on a problem in the relationship and trying to fix it and really focusing on fixing it. A lot of the times there are different ways of seeing the world and then all of a sudden you’re obsessively thinking that over and trying to fix that. It could be that all of a sudden you think your communication is a problem or that you think you two don’t have enough humor together and all your energy goes into fixing that problem. And what you’re doing is actually postponing the moment that you can actually relax in and surrender to the relationship. So as long as you’re focusing on a problem and trying to fix it, that gives you a sense of safety, because you don’t have to surrender to the relationship yet.
So when you notice yourself focusing on a problem and googling ways to solve this, see if it’s actually a fear, anxiety or an unease in relaxing in and surrendering to the relationship exactly as it is. Because it does not have to be perfect. And I know your fear brain wants it to be perfect, but it does not have to be perfect. You’re human. Your partner is human, and you’re both growing and growing the rest of your life. And that’s totally normal and totally healthy and totally fine.
#10 Checking and doubting your love for your partner
And this happens mostly in just very healthy and stable relationships where there aren’t a lot of issues and there aren’t a lot of problems. Then this is a way of deactivating because: you retreat to your head and you’re looking for that confirmation. You’re just so scared that either you’re making a mistake and you might hurt them in the future or you’re actually quite scared for your feelings. Which is so weird because you’re checking whether your love is there for your partner or whether it’s intense enough. Whether you love them enough. Whether there’s a spark, whether you miss them enough. So you could think that what you want is just to feel more and more love, and it’s not there.
But a lot of times what’s happening is that in that moment, you’re actually scared to allow the feelings that are there, the love that is there, to allow yourself to really feel that it just feels so uneasy in your body. You are not used to stable and safe and relaxed love. So what you do is: you start checking and you start doubting your feelings, because that’s also a way to retreat and have a reason to not surrender to the relationship, because that’s what you’re actually really scared of.
These were ten ways to deactivate. I could write about that way more.
Let me know in the comments below if there’s any one of these that you recognize, but also if there’s one that you weren’t aware of doing. And maybe you have more ways that you deactivate and put them in the comments too.
In my online program Healed & Happy we’re tackling them, so you won’t feel as triggered, which makes life and relationships less of a minefield. But also, you’ll learn to not go into these deactivation mechanisms because they are so exhausting. And I really want for you that you can just relax in relationships and that you can enjoy them because you are so very worthy of love and of warmth and stability.
Thank you for being here.
Much love,
Paulien
This is not to diagnose. I’m not a psychologist and it’s not black and white. You can definitely recognise so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and maybe you’re even dominantly securely attached. So don’t see this as this is a strong diagnosis. I am just here to tell you all about it and really help you understand yourself a little bit better.
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