6 Triggers of the fearful avoidant attachment style

Hi! I’m Paulien, and I’m so happy you’re here. In this blog, I’m going to share six common fearful avoidant attachment style triggers. If you identify as fearful avoidant, it can be incredibly confusing when you don’t understand what’s happening inside of you. So let’s dive in.

When you’re triggered, you may enter what I call a crash state. This happens when your fearful avoidant attachment system is pushed to the max — and it can feel overwhelming and disorienting.

All insecure attachment styles have crash states, but for fearful avoidants, it’s much less predictable. It can take two different forms:

• You might enter an active crash state, where you start people-pleasing, feel restless, and become obsessed with fixing the situation. Your mind might spiral into overthinking.

• Or you might completely shut down — going numb, feeling nothing, and even becoming so exhausted you can barely move or speak.

Sometimes you flip between these two states rapidly. That unpredictability is part of what makes it so confusing.

Six Common Triggers for Fearful Avoidants

The following six triggers are mostly deactivation triggers — they cause you to pull away emotionally or push your partner away. What’s tricky is that these triggers aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s not even your partner getting too close, but something random that makes connection feel unsafe or out of reach.

If you want to work more deeply on your attachment style and begin healing, take a look at my program Healed & Happy.

1. Feeling dumb / incapable / irresponsible

You might be having a normal conversation — maybe you get a fact wrong while watching the news. Your partner gently corrects you, with no intention to hurt you. But if you carry the belief that “being dumb makes me unlovable”, this small moment can fully trigger your fearful avoidant response.

Suddenly, anger may rise up — and you might not understand why. Your mind may try to “protect” you by putting your partner down, focusing on flaws like their appearance, or inventing reasons to feel superior. This is often about regaining a sense of control and safety, and it can happen out of nowhere.

This particular trigger is especially common in fearful avoidants who lean dismissive.

2. Feeling vulnerable/weak/tired/sick

For many fearful avoidants, vulnerability didn’t feel safe in childhood. When they opened up or expressed vulnerability, it was often used against them later. This created the belief: “The more vulnerable I am, the more I can be hurt. So I won’t go there.”

This fear of vulnerability can show up in different ways. Some fearful avoidants are very open and vulnerable at the beginning of a connection — and then retreat. This can be confusing for the other person, who might feel touched by your openness and want to build a connection. But for you, the vulnerability itself triggered a shutdown.

This isn’t something you choose. It just happens — your system is trying to protect you.

I used to experience this often too. What helped me was affirming: “It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be sick. I can still receive love.” As I healed, I became more able to stay connected — even when I didn’t feel strong.

3. The moment of connection / deep relaxation

This may sound strange, but the very moment of feeling connected can be a trigger.

It’s at the core of the fearful avoidant attachment pattern: you long for closeness, but once it’s there, it feels unsafe. So you pull someone in — then push them away.

When you’re attuned, you can feel the exact moment connection happens. And for some, that moment is terrifying. Why? Often, it goes back to childhood — maybe when you had a moment of connection with a parent, that’s when they pulled away, became critical, or lashed out. So now, your nervous system associates connection with pain, shame, or guilt.

What happens? You get that “jump scare” feeling, and you push your partner away. And the pattern repeats.

The same can happen with deep relaxation. If your system is used to constant hypervigilance — always being alert and in control — then truly relaxing can feel unsafe. This is why many fearful avoidants struggle with sleep: trouble falling asleep, waking in fear or panic, or starting the day with dread. Sleep means letting go of control, which the fear-brain resists.

You deserve deep rest. You deserve to relax. I truly wish that for you. Just knowing this may help you breathe more deeply and stay in that relaxed moment a little longer.

4. The possibility of hurting someone

Fearful avoidants often have a strong internal compass when it comes to right and wrong—especially when it involves hurting others. Many carry a constant fear of causing harm, whether by taking action or by doing nothing at all.

Even the possibility of hurting someone can be enough to trigger a crash state. It can lead you to shut down completely or pull away before anything has even happened, because you’re already caught in a spiral of guilt or shame over a future that hasn’t occurred.

A common example: you start thinking about the future of your relationship. What if I realize they’re not “the one”? What if that only becomes clear after we’ve moved in together, gotten married, had children? That thought alone can be overwhelming.

When you dig a little deeper, the fear isn’t just about the relationship ending—it’s about having to hurt someone even more later on. So your mind jumps to what feels like the logical solution: I should end it now before I do too much damage.

This fear often creates a need for total certainty. You want your relationship to be 100% perfect so you can feel safe, in control, and sure that you won’t hurt anyone. But that’s an impossible standard—and one that only adds more pressure.

The truth is, it’s okay to trust yourself. Between now and any possible future moment, there’s time. Time to grow, to invest in the relationship, to heal. You are not powerless. You’re allowed to believe that you’ll find your way—even when things aren’t perfect.

5. The fear of doing / having done something wrong

This is another powerful and very common trigger for fearful avoidants. In fact, for some, it’s not just a trigger—it’s a constant state.

You might feel like you’re always doing something wrong, even when nothing has happened. That nagging feeling can put your nervous system into a continuous crash state, keeping you in a near-permanent loop of anxiety and self-blame.

This background noise of “I’m messing things up” or “I’m not doing it right” drives so much of the inner panic. And it makes it incredibly hard to rest, to feel safe, or to enjoy your relationship.

But the more you start to heal this pattern, the more space opens up. You begin to notice little moments of ease, more lightness, more calm. And eventually, that sense of peace grows—bringing with it rest, softness, and relief.

I want that for you so much.

6. People getting angry

This is a very clear and deeply rooted trigger for many fearful avoidants.

When you’re still in survival mode, someone else’s anger can immediately activate your fight response. You might react by arguing, getting defensive, or becoming emotionally volatile.

But as you begin to heal, anger can instead make you feel small and unsafe—like a child again, stuck in panic. This can cause you to shut down entirely.

You might respond by trying to please the other person, doing anything to avoid conflict. Or you might pull away, stop talking, or freeze to prevent things from escalating. Either reaction is a form of protection.

What makes it even harder is that sometimes the other person isn’t angry at all. They may simply be frustrated or distracted, but if you’re hypervigilant, your system interprets it as danger.

I still notice this sometimes myself. Even with my husband—who truly never gets angry—if he shows the slightest bit of frustration, a small part of me flinches. It’s subtle, but that leftover fear still surfaces now and then.

So yes, even thinking someone might be angry can be a trigger. It doesn’t need to be real for your nervous system to respond as if it is.

Closing Thoughts

These were six common triggers that often activate fearful avoidant attachment patterns.

Did you recognize yourself in any of them? Did something click into place?

Understanding your triggers is an important first step. But real transformation comes when you begin to gently, consistently heal them.

That’s exactly why I created Healed & Happy—my online program designed to help you move beyond survival mode, feel safe in love, and finally experience peace in your relationships.

I am so incredibly happy you’re here!

Much love,
Paulien

This is not to diagnose. I’m not a psychologist and it’s not black and white. You can definitely recognise so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and maybe you’re even dominantly securely attached. So don’t see this as this is a strong diagnosis. I am just here to tell you all about it and really help you understand yourself a little bit better.