5 Reasons why you get REALLY annoyed at your partner as a fearful avoidant

Hi, I’m Paulien and I’m so happy you are here! In this blog I’m going to dive into five reasons why you get really annoyed at your partner as a fearful avoidant. Being annoyed is just no fun, of course. It doesn’t do anything for your relationship, it just doesn’t feel good. A lot of guilt is usually involved and I don’t want that for you. So let’s dive into the five reasons why you use this as a protection mechanism when you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, because that’s what it is a lot of the times.

So I remember when I used this and was completely unaware of it ten years ago, when I was having serious doubts about my relationship to my now husband. I could just get annoyed at everything. I could get annoyed at the big things (like I felt like he wasn’t trustworthy or he wasn’t romantic enough) and I was annoyed when he didn’t bring me home flowers to the way he was speaking, talking, looking at me, saying something, not saying something. It could be really big or small. And I was convinced that it was him, that if he would change, if he would change just a little bit… I would feel better, I would be happy.

And I think I also believed that I would not have this with anybody else. So there was a part of me that was just really scared that this meant that the relationship wasn’t right. That I had to leave him because he annoyed me. And you shouldn’t be annoyed when you’re with the love of your life, right? Wrong. You can absolutely have a fantastic loving relationship and be annoyed from time to time. It’s so human, it’s so normal.

And there are reasons why you are annoyed that have absolutely nothing to do with the thing you’re annoyed about!

#1 There might be a need that you haven’t identified/acted upon
So the first reason, which is maybe the most important one, is that there is probably a need that you haven’t identified in yourself and definitely haven’t acted upon. So it could be that you just need to be alone for a little bit and you feel like you can’t say that or that you’re not supposed to want that. Because when you’re in a loving relationship: shouldn’t you want to be with that person all the time? So when you have that belief, it’s very hard to even feel that need and to say ‘I just want some alone-time’ because you feel like being wrong or the relationship is wrong when you do that. But then you get annoyed at your partner because you actually have this need to be alone.

So what your fear brain does (the part of you that wants to protect you) is put distance between the two of you. So it kind of acts like a buffer. The annoyance acts like a buffer and you create distance. That’s what it does.

So identifying your needs, the needs that are underlying the being annoyed, really helps at being less and less annoyed in the future.

#2 You have a fear of rejection
And it could be that your partner is doing something that annoys you because you’ve actually learned that when you do something that way that you will get rejected. And mostly you learn this during childhood, obviously. It’s a projection of your own insecurities, your own fear of being rejected.

So you have learned a certain way to behave in which you think you will be accepted by the world. Then, if your partner acts in a different way, of which you are certain that he or she will not be accepted, it kind of ignites a fear in you for them. But also for you, because you chose this partner and you’re afraid that if they won’t get accepted, people will judge you too and will reject you too.

So you kind of want your partner to be as perfect as you’re trying to be. While all the while it’s really a mirror of how much you think you will be accepted by the world just being the way you are or being the way you want to be. So in that way: being annoyed is actually a beautiful lesson and a beautiful mirror.

So that is one part of the fear of rejection. But it could also be that you’re actually scared that your partner will reject you. It could be underlying the being annoyed because what you’re doing when you’re really annoyed at your partner is actually making them less. So making them less attractive, less likable. And that is a perfect strategy when you’re actually quite scared to be rejected: when you like him/her less, the pain of rejection will be less according to your fear brain. It doesn’t actually work like that, but that’s what your fear brain is trying to tell you. So it’s actually, in that way, a protection mechanism for the pain of rejection.

#3 You have trouble setting boundaries
Setting boundaries is such an important one. I mean as a fearful avoidant, it’s really important to have boundaries, to set boundaries. That will make such a huge difference in your life. And one of the things that will change is that you will be annoyed less often. You will notice that when you do something you actually don’t want to do or you accept something you don’t want to accept: you will get annoyed at your partner (especially if he/she is involved) much faster than when you have just clear boundaries and you’re not afraid to set them.

So a couple of months ago, I wanted to do something. I had to finish something and my husband forgot that he had an appointment. We have a child and he was like: can you take care for her while it was his turn to do that himself. And I said: yeah, sure! I didn’t want to be difficult. I thought: there’s no other way, because he has this appointment that he forgot. And also I should want to be with my child all the time, so I can’t say no to that. And when he came back, I was just annoyed at everything he did. He was cleaning the kitchen, which is awesome, and I was just annoyed at the way he did it.

And then I was like: oh, my gosh, what’s happening? And I realized I should have put up a boundary. I should have just said no, or I should have said: okay, this is tricky because I have to finish this thing, so we have to find a way that I can finish this thing on time. But it was also okay for me to just say: well, this was what we agreed upon, that you would take care of her, and I’m sorry you forgot that appointment, but I really need to finish this now, so it’s not my responsibility. Which, when you are not used to setting boundaries, can sound so selfish, so selfish and so cold. But it can actually be really healthy and also can really help in not being annoyed as much.

So since that time (and I’ve been working on that before this also) I’ve really stuck to my boundaries more and I have not been annoyed pretty much ever since. Even though ten years ago I was pretty much annoyed at everything. So a lot can change 😊 A lot can change, and boundaries is one thing. A big thing.

#4 You feel weak or vulnerable
It could be that you feel weak and vulnerable when you’re tired or when you’re sick or when you’re not happy or when you’re sad and then get annoyed. When you’ve learned in your childhood that those things are not acceptable and that you will actually get abandoned (even if it’s just emotional abandonment): you start to push the people away that love you and might actually want to be there for you. Because you’re completely convinced that they will abandon you when they see how weak and vulnerable you are.

And know this: it’s not weak and vulnerable to be tired, to be sad, to be unhappy. But that’s what you’ve learned in childhood. Maybe you’ve noticed that your mom or dad just kind of retreated a little bit when you would be tired or you felt like you always had to perform or do your best or be your best. And when you couldn’t because you were tired or sick or unhappy: you felt that your parents were not happy.

So then you associate that state to something negative which can cause your fear brain to want to protect you by being annoyed at your partner. Pushing them away, so that they won’t reject you, so that they won’t see how weak or vulnerable you are. Which is so sad, because in those moments it’s so good to have love and support. But you just won’t allow it because a part of you is convinced that rejection will be part of it, or that they won’t like it, or that they will judge you for it. So not wanting to be weak or vulnerable can absolutely be a reason to be annoyed at your partner. Out of nowhere, seemingly nowhere.

#5 You have certain expectations
So when you have an expectation of, let’s start small, a night wanting it to be perfect, because you’re going out to dinner to this fancy restaurant and you just want this to be perfect. So there’s like a script in your head that you want to have played out and your partner is just not playing the part. He or she’s just not playing this game. So they are doing things that are not in your script. How dare they?

Even though you have not communicated this script at all, you just want it to be perfect. And you just kind of hope and assume that they feel that and they will play that part. But then they do different things. And then you just get so annoyed because you’re actually afraid.

There’s a fear underlying that, that you will miss out on something because of it. That you will miss out on magic because of it. But magic is never in a controlled situation. So when you’re trying to play out that script, that’s trying to control the situation: you will never find magic that way. Magic is found in being completely present and just being completely okay with whatever happens or doesn’t happen. So when you start to let go of your expectations more and more, you will notice that you will get annoyed less and less and you will be able to be in the present moment more and more.

There’s also a bigger expectation a lot of times: you want your partner to help you, fix you or save you. And when you are feeling unhappy, powerless and you realize that your partner is just a human being: they’re not perfect. They cannot help you, fix you or save you. It can be so disappointing that you just get annoyed at everything they do because they’re not perfect. So that’s really just a mirror to how powerless you feel to help and fix and save yourself.

If you let go of this expectation more and more: you will find that it’s easier for you to take the responsibility and help and save yourself and also to allow the support. Instead of expecting your partner to fix you: you just allow them to support you through you helping and saving yourself.

So these are five reasons that you can be really annoyed at your partner and kind of use that as protection mechanisms. We’ll get into that in my online program Healed & Happy.

I really hope this was valuable and you had some insights! Please let me know in the comments.

Thank you for being here and know that you are absolutely good enough exactly as you are right now.

Much love!
Paulien

This is not to diagnose. I’m not a psychologist and it’s not black and white. You can definitely recognise so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and maybe you’re even dominantly securely attached. So don’t see this as this is a strong diagnosis. I am just here to tell you all about it and really help you understand yourself a little bit better.