How I felt when I found out I was a fearful avoidant

Hi, I’m Paulien and I’m so happy you are here! In this blog I’m going to tell you more about how I felt when I found out that I was a fearful avoidant. I remember when I started researching the whole fearful avoidant attachment style, I got a lot of knowledge and research and it was a lot. It was actually quite overwhelming and there were not a lot of people that explained their personal journey in a way that I could relate to. Fearful avoidants tend to already feel quite alone and different than others and feel like there’s something wrong with them. And I don’t want that for you. I’m here for you and I thought it might help if I take you along a little bit on my journey just to know that we are in this together. You are not alone and you will get out of it.

When I found out, I had already been healing for quite a while and I knew that what I was feeling was ‘not normal’. I met an amazing guy when I was 20 and I had these intense doubts about my relationship.I would go into what I now know are ‘the crash states’ of the fearful avoidant attachment style. So I would just panic and push him away and thought I was going crazy. And I would just go in and out of those states constantly. I had heard about attachment styles before, but I had a happy childhood and I still have a very close bond with my parents. And I was like: yeah, well, that’s really sad for those people that they weren’t securely attached when they were younger. But that’s not me. It’s something that happens to people that were severely abused or had alcoholic parents. Those pretty extreme cases.

And then I got pregnant and it was as if a door opened that I had kept shut until that time. I just didn’t want to look at my childhood in that way. I had already looked at it and saw that my parents could have done things differently, could have done things better. But I always just kind of still assumed that it was me, that I was just too sensitive, that I was too much or too much to handle.

I was a difficult child. So yeah, I always just kind of took the blame in a way. And when I got pregnant, I think subconsciously I just thought: I am not going to pass this to my own child. And so I ran into attachment styles again and I happened to read something about the fearful avoidant attachment style that resonated with me. After that I started researching more and more and then I recognized pretty much everything. Even when it came to the emotional abuse and controlling and manipulative tactics.

What I felt when I found out I was a fearful avoidant: my world crumbled below my feet.

I remember laying in bed that night, being pregnant and just crying from the depths of my soul and telling my now husband: I just don’t know who I am anymore. What part of me is conditioned and what part of me is ‘just me’. What part of my childhood was real love and what part of my childhood was just manipulation and abuse? So everything felt upside down. I completely lost all context of what I thought was truth and what I thought my childhood had been. And at the same time it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place.

So it was this really weird combination of the world crumbling below my feet (and part of me wanting that I hadn’t found out) and another part of me that was like: oh finally, it really wasn’t my fault, it really wasn’t me. And as time went on, I just gave myself space and grace to process this. I started writing about it a lot in my brain dump book, my big Green book, just to process all this. And as time went on, that feeling of the puzzle pieces falling into place became so much stronger and stronger. And I started to kind of place everything back, started to feel the ground under my feet again.

But now I felt so much more powerful because I knew that this wasn’t my fault. I knew that I wasn’t weird. I finally felt like everything I felt and thought (and I felt so much shame and guilt about that) was so normal in my situation. It made sense. And that propelled my healing like nothing else.

So the very first moment I found out, it was a lot. And if you’re there: I’m with you, I see you. I wish I could hold you. It’s hard, it’s really hard. It might be the hardest spot to be in.

So I’m really happy you found this website. And I really hope that this gives you some kind of solace or at least the feeling that you are not alone. And I want you to know that it will get better from here, that you will find the power in this. You will start to feel more powerful as you see more and more that all of this isn’t your fault.

You are a warrior. You are so much stronger than you think, as you are right now. And I know you probably feel powerless and you feel weak, but you’re not. You are not.

You are amazing and everything you do and think and feel makes sense and you can heal it. And it’s unfair that you have to. It’s absolutely unfair that you have to. It sucks to have to rewrite the story of your childhood. But you will get out of this in a beautiful way. I am still close to my parents and I think when I just found out, I kind of took a little bit of distance and I definitely felt angry. I think that’s part of a very healthy process.

And now I’m at the point where I can clearly see that they genuinely were doing the best they could having had the childhood they had. And I’m not saying you have to be there now and have to forgive right now. Take your time. Go through the process of grieving the childhood you think you thought you had and rewriting that story. And also go through the process of grieving the parents you thought you had and rewriting that story.

Rewriting doesn’t mean it’s worse or it will stay worse for the rest of your life. Not at all. I have a way more healthy relationship with my parents right now. Because as I knew that it wasn’t me, I wasn’t sensitive and I wasn’t dramatic: I was able to put up boundaries and state very clearly what I wished they do and didn’t do and how I wanted to be treated.

And if you would have told me this years back: I would never have dared to do that because it felt disrespectful to my parents. But because I felt powerful in it, because I knew it wasn’t my fault and I was in my right to put up boundaries: they accepted it. And actually, after a while, started asking: why are you putting up these boundaries and what can we do? And we had some beautiful healing conversations about that without me needing that from them or expecting that from them. So anything is possible.

You might not have that. You might not be in a position to be able to talk to your parents. And if that is true: I see that pain. That sucks. And I also want you to know that you don’t need it.

When I started having those conversations with my parents, I had already pretty much healed the fearful avoidant attachment style. So it was kind of like a cherry on top, or an extra bonus. But you do not need their validation or their apology to heal. You have that power. You are way more powerful than you think. And it’s a good thing that we’re not dependent on apologies from other people to heal, because then you would give your power away.

So just know that even when things feel so rocky right now, they can turn around and you can actually have a really beautiful relationship with your parents, in truth. Because that’s what I gained from everything: I’ve found my truth. I started trusting myself more than ever, and that just felt so good. Well, I think before, I just kind of took the blame because that was easier. And that wasn’t true. That wasn’t what I should have done.

So whatever you are feeling right now is good, is okay. I don’t want you to feel like you have to feel something one way or another.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. And that it’s pretty hard figuring this out and finding out that you have this attachment style. But it will lead you to feeling more powerful, finding yourself, seeing how absolutely amazing you are. And building and rewriting your life on your terms.

And that’s what I want for you more than anything.

 I’m so happy you are here. Thank you.

Thank you for being here.

Much love!
Paulien

This is not to diagnose. I’m not a psychologist and it’s not black and white. You can definitely recognise so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and maybe you’re even dominantly securely attached. So don’t see this as this is a strong diagnosis. I am just here to tell you all about it and really help you understand yourself a little bit better.