The 7 signs you are healing the fearful avoidant attachment style

Hi! In this blog I am going to talk about seven signs you are healing the fearful avoidant attachment style. I am Paulien and I am so happy you are here because healing the fearful avoidant attachment style is not easy. It might even be the hardest one to heal out of all the attachment styles. And it is a journey. And on that journey, you will have moments where you doubt yourself, where you feel like you are not making any progress, where you relapse and you’re like: I’m just back to square one. I’m not even really progressing at all. That’s not true. But it does really help to kind of know what the signs are that you are healing, that you are going in that right direction.

So I hope these seven signs are like little guideposts along your journey that hopefully illuminate the way a little bit for you.

#1 The highs & lows aren’t as high and low anymore (and you don’t mind!)
So in the fearful avoidant attachment style one of the characteristics is the highs and lows, the push and pull. So one moment you you feel good, you might even feel great and the next moment you have this crash and you just don’t know where it came from.

And in a way you are actually kind of addicted to those highs and lows. Your body is addicted to that cocktail of hormones that releases when you get the high of approval and when you get the low of being rejected. And for the fearful avoidant that causes so much emotional turmoil. And even though it’s so exhausting and you probably a lot of times are like ‘I don’t ever want to have this again’: it can be that you’re actually quite addicted to it. So not really having those highs and lows anymore is progress. But the moment you don’t really mind that you don’t have them anymore: that’s real progress.

That’s super good.

You just can relax in the stability and in the safety of a healthy relationship. That’s the moment you don’t mind anymore that the highs and lows are not there because you allow the nourishing that a healthy relationship can provide. You really allow that in, and that’s a huge step to take for a fearful avoidant and as long as you’re still in that fear mode where your fear brain is just really activated: it’s really hard to allow that nourishment and love and support in a consistent and stable manner. I sometimes compare it to when you don’t know any better. You search for those highs and lows because it kind of gives you a feeling of what kind of resembles love.

So when you get that high of approval it kind of feels like you are loved. Like when you light a match, it goes but then it just fizzled out really quickly and you have to strike another match and another match and another match. And a healthy, stable relationship when you are able to allow it: it feels like a fire. It’s not only just cozy, it’s also so warming and just every now and then you throw on a lump of wood and it just keeps going and it’s just so nourishing. So that’s kind of like maybe a silly comparison I made that actually helped me to keep going in that direction of like the fireplace.

#2 You trust yourself that you will figure it out and i twill all come together
And I don’t think I realized, I think people told me like. And I was like: no, how can you say that? I need 100% certainty. I need full control. But the reason you want that full control and you want that certainty is in a way because you don’t trust yourself.

You don’t trust that you have the skills, you have the ability to do what it takes to invest in a relationship, to make that relationship just beautiful and loving and caring consistently. You don’t trust that you are worthy of love even when you don’t do anything for it or don’t perform. You are worthy of love. So that’s why you want that 100% certainty is because you don’t trust yourself. And you feel like when I have that certainty right now, in this moment, then it won’t be taken away.

Because you don’t trust that love is there for you. You don’t trust that you are actually good enough and that you also have the skills and the ability and the charm and the wit to build bonds with people, not just in a relationship, but maybe also with other people. Because sometimes I feel like the fearful avoidants, especially when this also flows over into friendships, you try to get everything out of that one relationship and that’s where you completely focus on. But as soon as you are able to build relationships, friendships and bonds with other people and you allow yourself to feel supported in that, then the pressure is off your main relationship, romantic relationship. So a lot of that has to do with trusting yourself and also in this process, trusting that you can heal, trusting that you will be able to figure out the steps towards the secure attachments, the steps towards a very healthy relationship and actually enjoying that.

So trust is a really big thing and in a way, you’re so scared to do that. Almost as if it doesn’t matter if you trust yourself, as if that has no merit at all. But you are actually quite amazing, did you know that? The fact that you are here, the fact that you are reading this blog, it means that you are on your way to healing. And that means that you are a bad ass.

Because this attachment style is not for the weak minded. It’s very much for the warriors and I don’t want you to feel the pressure of that. But it’s just true. The fact that you are here means that you are so much stronger and so much more capable than you think. And all those coping mechanisms that you developed when you were younger, those are skills and they might hinder you in a way now, but they will aid you and help you as you heal more.

It really is possible. So you can start trusting yourself right now, as you are right now. You don’t have to do an Olympic deed just to be able to trust yourself. You are already so much more capable than you think you are.

#3 It is safe for you to feel powerful
This is also a huge one because it’s so weird as a fearful avoidant: you feel like you have to be powerful, but then at the same time, it doesn’t feel safe to be powerful. So being weak is not accepted is not a good thing. You will get rejected and abandoned. But feeling powerful, trusting yourself, believing in yourself, it can feel like it’s arrogant.

It’s just not safe to feel powerful because what if you feel, what if something happens? What if you take responsibility and you do it wrong? So it doesn’t feel safe to feel powerful. And this is a way we keep ourselves so small and it can actually stand in the way of your healing.

And this was so painful for me to kind of like expand that box of being so small and keeping myself so small, to break out of that. I was so incredibly scared that people would hate me or something really bad would happen. In a way, it just felt so much easier to feel dependent on my partner or on other people, as if that was the only way to be safe and survive. So as soon as you know and you can feel that it is safe to feel powerful: you know you are on your way.

Because you are powerful, without a doubt, you are powerful right now, as you are right now. Allowing yourself to feel that way, the more you do that: the faster you will heal. So it’s like a flywheel. Don’t force yourself to feel powerful right now. But the more you allow that feeling to be there, the more you will feel that it’s safe, the more you will be able to feel powerful. And the more powerful you feel, the easier the healing will be.

So yeah, as soon as you start feeling a little bit more powerful: you know you’re on the right track.

#4 You are able to give yourself grace
You are able to allow yourself to make mistakes, to allow yourself to not be perfect, to allow yourself to be kind to yourself and not do everything right the first time. You just allow yourself to feel, to be compassionate towards yourself. I think the fearful avoidant attachment style, out of all of the attachment styles, is the hardest and the most critical of themselves because it was so unsafe to make mistakes, to not be perfect, that you can be really, really hard on yourself. And giving yourself grace and being self compassionate is like sometimes a foreign concept. But damn, if you do it, if you are able to give yourself grace and be compassionate towards yourself: you are on your way.

#5 You feel more comfortable with being vulnerable
Depending on where you are in your healing journey, if you’re right at the beginning, feeling vulnerable might feel like a death sentence. It might feel like the more vulnerable I am, the more people can hurt me. So I’m not doing that. I am not going to do that. And I can vividly remember how it felt to be vulnerable.

It was like a numbed panic attack constantly. Like, if I would be vulnerable, I just completely kind of assumed that my now husband, then boyfriend would think I was dumb or silly or would just start laughing or would get angry with me for being vulnerable or he would use it against me later on. And that’s just so sad. I feel the sadness coming up. It’s so sad if you’re in that situation because being vulnerable is like the most beautiful thing to give yourself, but also to give your partner.

And the fact that people, whoever those people were in your past, could not accept that for whatever reason, has nothing to do with you, your worth. Being vulnerable is a beautiful thing. It really is the basis of healing, it is the basis of a healthy relationship. So allowing yourself to be vulnerable, inviting yourself to be vulnerable, even if it’s just a little bit more, can really help you to see that it’s actually safe with the right people. And you know: you have a choice in who you are vulnerable with and not everybody deserves that from you.

So you choose, you choose who feels safe enough, who kind of like showed you that they are worthy of that vulnerability, who are people who are understanding and kind and would not judge you for anything. So you don’t have to be vulnerable with everybody. Absolutely not. You can choose who you let into your vulnerability circle.

#6 You accept that you are human
It sounds so silly, but it’s such a powerful thing. Nobody is perfect. And all those people in the world that are so very loved and have the most amazing relationships, they are human too. They are not some perfect beings that just do not ever make mistakes. They do make mistakes so much more than you think.

So just allowing yourself to be human is such a big thing. Part of being human is also having really weird thoughts and really crazy and sometimes scary thoughts and that’s just what everybody has. But you can either give that a lot of power and attention or not. And the people that are really happy and really mentally healthy just don’t give attention to that.

They know that they are not their thoughts and that having weird thoughts is just normal. It’s human. Also feeling is very human. So the fearful avoidants have this tendency to not want to feel a bunch of things and then they really do want to feel a bunch of other things. And I remember when I was with my therapist and I said: well, I just want to feel Zen or Enlightened. And she said: what do you think that looks like? What does that feel like? And I said: then I just feel peace and happiness. And she said: I think being Zen is more being okay with whatever feeling is coming up. And I remember getting angry almost and like stomping out of that session like: no, I am not going to feel negative feelings, I am going to find a way around it.

Guess what? That was ten years ago. I did not find a way around it. It really is true that you cannot control your emotions. You can influence them by what you choose to think, or what you choose to focus on. But you cannot control them. You cannot control that. And that is human. That is all right. Your body is made for that. It can handle that very well if you don’t repress it or suppress it. It can handle all of that without you even doing anything or even trying. So accepting that you’re human, accepting that you have flaws and accepting the fact that everybody has that and you are still so loved and able to be loved, if you can accept that and you can see that and just allow yourself to be human: that’s such a big step. That is such a big step. You do not have to be perfect. And no, you are not an exception.

#7 You don’t espect your partner to save you or be perfect
And this is such a hard thing because you feel so powerless, you feel so hopeless at times. You just want somebody to save you. You just want somebody to do the work for you. And that is so understandable. And yet I wish it could happen like that, that somebody could save you and they can’t. And in a way, it’s good. I mean, it sucks, but it’s good.

Because if somebody else was able to save you and you weren’t, you would give all your power away. And you have that power. You’re scared of that power, but you have that power to save yourself, to be your own knight and shining armor.

And putting that kind of expectations on your partner is also putting a lot of stressor, pressure and stress on your partner and also on your relationship, because you will be so disappointed every time your partner isn’t able to save you, which is always so it doesn’t help. It doesn’t work, and it can actually cause resentment and rage, which doesn’t help create a loving relationship. And part of the reason, or actually a consequence of why we want to be safe is that you want your partner to be perfect, because if he or she is not perfect: they won’t be able to save you. If he or she has flaws, then they might not have the space to save you. So what you might notice is that you just kind of get annoyed when your partner has emotions or when your partner clearly has some flaws.

You just don’t want to accept that because you have to be safe and your partner has to save you, not the other way around. And again, this is so understandable. I do not want you to be hard on yourself because of this. But your partner is human, just like you. And the more you accept that from yourself, the more you will be able to accept that from your partner.

And the more you will be able to heal yourself, the more space you will have for the humanness of your partner also. And that makes it a very healthy and a two way cited relationship. So your partner doesn’t have to be perfect and he or she doesn’t have to save you. You can do this. And that is the absolute best way, because the confidence you will get out of that is priceless. Is absolutely priceless.

All right, so those were the seven signs you are healing the fearful avoidant attachment style. I really hope these kind of were little light bulbs or helped you in any way to feel like: oh, maybe I’m on the right track, or that’s what I should move towards. When I do feel more vulnerable or when I do feel more powerful, I’m actually on the right track and it can help you to actually pull towards that.

So I really do hope it helps you to heal this attachment style. It is hard but it is so doable and you absolutely have everything in you to heal it.

So happy you were here,

Much love,
Paulien

This is not to diagnose. I’m not a psychologist and it’s not black and white. You can definitely recognise so much of the fearful avoidant attachment style and maybe you’re even dominantly securely attached. So don’t see this as this is a strong diagnosis. I am just here to tell you all about it and really help you understand yourself a little bit better.