10 Types of Perfectionism

Perfectionism and the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

For those of us with a fearful avoidant attachment style, perfectionism often plays a significant role in our lives. It’s like we’ve internalized a “judge brake”[1] that constantly checks and regulates our thoughts, feelings, and actions in an attempt to avoid any potential judgment or criticism. We might find ourselves in the “strong and struggling sweetspot”[2], where we’re dealing with life’s challenges but desperately want to appear strong and composed. We may also find ourselves caught in the “testing vs shame cycle”[3], where we test our partners for their loyalty and then feel shame when they don’t meet our high expectations.

Our perfectionism can manifest in various ways. We may experience the “pedestal power paradox”[4], where we put judgmental people on a pedestal and work tirelessly for their approval, while simultaneously feeling superior to others. Our perfectionism can also take the form of “relationship perfectionism”[5], where we strive for flawless relationships to prevent causing any harm or discomfort to others. This can lead to the “fearful avoidant grey zone”[6], where we’re in a relationship but not fully emotionally committed due to our fear of not being perfect enough.

Even our sexuality can be affected by our perfectionism. The “hypersexual to prude process”[7] describes how we can be hypersexual in relationships with emotionally unavailable or toxic partners, but become prudish when we’re with a partner who is emotionally available and respectful. This is often a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from the vulnerability and potential judgment that comes with authentic sexual intimacy.

Healing Perfectionism as a Fearful Avoidant

So how do we heal our perfectionism as fearful avoidants? The first step is understanding and acknowledging our perfectionist tendencies. We need to recognize that our drive for perfection is often rooted in fear – fear of judgment, fear of abandonment, and ultimately, fear of connection[8]. Once we understand this, we can start to challenge our perfectionist beliefs and behaviors.

The “braindumping method”[9] can be a useful tool for this. By writing down our thoughts and feelings, we can gain a clearer understanding of our perfectionist tendencies and start to challenge them. We can also use “emotional management”[10] techniques to regulate our emotions and reduce our fear response. This involves recognizing and validating our emotions, rather than suppressing or criticizing them.

Another important aspect of healing our perfectionism is learning to embrace vulnerability. This can be incredibly challenging for fearful avoidants, as we often experience the “vulnerability whiplash”[11] – a sudden and radical pullback after being vulnerable. However, vulnerability is crucial for genuine connection and intimacy, so it’s something we need to learn to embrace, despite the discomfort it may cause.

In conclusion, while healing perfectionism as a fearful avoidant can be challenging, it is certainly possible. With understanding, self-compassion, and effective strategies, we can learn to manage our perfectionist tendencies and enjoy more fulfilling and authentic relationships.

References: [1] The judge brake, [2] The strong and struggling sweetspot, [3] The testing vs shame cycle, [4] The pedestal power paradox, [5] Relationship perfectionism, [6] The fearful avoidant grey zone, [7] The hypersexual to prude process, [8] The fear of connection, [9] The braindumping method, [10] Emotional management, [11] The vulnerability whiplash.