How to overcome perfectionism with this one thing (as a fearful avoidant)
Welcome, my name is Paulien and I’m glad you’re here. Together, we’ll dive into a topic that’s a familiar challenge for many of us: perfectionism. It can be a heavy burden, whether it’s in your work, your personal life, or your relationships. But fear not, we’re not only going to understand how perfectionism develops, but also discuss concrete steps you can take to overcome it.
How do people develop perfectionism?
Perfectionism often has its roots in our early attachment styles. These are patterns that describe how we attached to our caregivers as children. These patterns have a profound effect on how we behave in relationships and other aspects of our lives, including our tendency toward perfectionism.
– Anxious Preoccupied Attachment: People with this style often believe that being perfect makes them unforgiving and likable. Their internal dialogue is, “If I’m perfect, you’ll stay with me and like me.”
– Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: These people often feel that things have to be perfect, and when perfection is questioned, they choose not to participate at all. Their perfectionism is driven by a fear of disappointment and not meeting expectations.
– Fearful Avoidant Attachment: This style involves a belief that everything has to be perfect to ensure safety. The mindset here is one of impending doom, where any imperfection can lead to catastrophic results.
What is Relationship Perfectionism?
We often discuss perfectionism in contexts like school or work, but it is also prevalent in relationships, although it is not generally recognized as “relationship perfectionism.” This involves a desire for flawless dynamics in relationships, including perfect feelings toward your partner. It can manifest as unrealistic expectations where you feel that every aspect of your relationship and emotional responses must be flawless. Such pressure can lead to constant anxiety and dissatisfaction, as the goalposts for “enough” keep shifting.
How to Cure Perfectionism?
A simple yet profound mantra can be instrumental in curing perfectionism: *“Just because things can be better, doesn’t mean they should be better.”* This helps shift the focus from relentless improvement to acceptance and contentment. It acknowledges the possibility of “better,” but decouples from the compulsion to achieve it. This perspective can be liberating, especially for those deeply entangled in perfectionist moves.
Why shouldn’t you rely solely on external factors for feelings of safety and happiness?
Relying solely on external validation or circumstances for our happiness and sense of safety is risky. Inner peace and safety are cultivated from within; they cannot be consistently secured through perfect relationships or flawless performance. Feelings of love, safety, and contentment are primarily internal states that can be nurtured independently of external situations.
Closing Thoughts
Remind yourself that love and safety are abundantly available within you. By refocusing your efforts on internal growth rather than external perfection, you equip yourself with the tools to feel more secure and less dependent on the impossible standards of perfectionism.
Thank you for sharing this moment of reflection. May you find the courage to accept imperfections in all aspects of your life and discover the abundant peace that lies within that acceptance.
How Can EFT Help With Perfectionism?
Q: What is EFT and how can it help with dealing with perfectionism?
EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique, often referred to as “tapping,” is a therapeutic method that I often discuss and recommend on my channel. It involves tapping specific points on the body while focusing on emotional concerns. This technique can be particularly effective in addressing the fears and insecurities associated with perfectionism. By tapping, you may find that you can release some of the pressure you put on yourself, which can lead to greater happiness and love.
Q: Why is perfectionism a barrier to feeling happiness and love?
Perfectionism often promotes the belief that happiness and love rewards for achieving perfection. This mindset hinders the ability to feel joy and love in the present, as these feelings are always seen as something that must be earned in the future. The fear that drives perfectionism can prevent you from allowing yourself to feel these positive emotions now, because you feel like you haven’t “earned” them yet.
Q: What can I do to begin overcoming perfectionism?
Join me on March 21st for a special live webinar where we will focus on these issues. During the session, I will be doing a live Q&A, doing some tapping, and discussing how we can tackle perfectionism together. The session is designed to help you feel more peace and calm, especially necessary given the uncertainties in today’s world.
This live event is completely free, and you can register via the link in the description below. I am really looking forward to connecting with you directly, hearing about your struggles and exploring how I can help. Plus, it’s a great opportunity for us to interact, and you can ask any questions you may have about perfectionism, attachment styles or EFT.
Q: When and how can I join this event?
The webinar will be on March 21st. You can find the registration link in the video description below. By registering, you will receive all the necessary details about the exact time of the event. It’s a great opportunity to not only learn, but also to interact directly with me and others who are facing similar challenges.
I believe deeply in the power of EFT and the importance of addressing the deep-rooted emotional causes of perfectionism. I hope to see you there so we can begin this journey of healing together!
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Remember, it is entirely up to you to decide if you want to continue participating after this free webinar. My main goal is to support you and provide tools that can help you live a more relaxed and joyful life. Don’t forget to tune in again next week for another insightful video!