Why do I feel like I am not allowed to feel good？
Hey there! Welcome back to my blog where we dig deep into the intriguing world of attachment styles. Today, we’re turning our focus onto the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style, and specifically, why those with this style often struggle to let themselves feel good. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Why do Fearful-Avoidants feel good about feeling bad? This might sound paradoxical, but it’s a common characteristic among Fearful-Avoidants. Often, they’ve grown up in environments where feeling bad was used as a tool for behavior correction and teaching responsibility. The constant emphasis on feeling bad as a precursor for change instills a belief that feeling good is unmerited unless perfection is attained. This belief lingers into adulthood, resulting in a reluctance to allow oneself to feel good. The fear is that without self-criticism, there would be no motivation to improve or change.
How do negative associations with happiness affect Fearful-Avoidants? Even after significant healing and overcoming many triggers, Fearful-Avoidants may still hold negative associations with happiness. They often believe that being happy might make them complacent or blind to potential threats or responsibilities. This belief can rob them of enjoying moments of joy and happiness, as their fear brain convinces them that they need to stay on high alert.
What role does the fear of imperfection play? For Fearful-Avoidants, the pursuit of happiness is often seen as contingent on achieving perfection. This search for an unattainable ideal can lead to a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and self-criticism. They equate feeling good with having resolved all personal flaws, perpetually delaying happiness. This traps them in a cycle where feeling bad becomes their norm.
What can Fearful-Avoidants do to break this cycle? Breaking this cycle involves reevaluating deeply ingrained beliefs about worth, success, and happiness. Fearful-Avoidants need to learn that it’s okay to feel good even when everything isn’t perfect. This may involve therapeutic work to unlink happiness from conditions, and to challenge the association of happiness with irresponsibility or complacency. It also involves practicing mindfulness and gratitude to slowly shift the focus from perpetual self-improvement to savoring the present moment.
Why does feeling good feel unsafe for Fearful-Avoidants? Often, Fearful-Avoidants grew up in environments where expressions of joy might have been abruptly interrupted by stress, criticism, or unpredictability. This creates a learned response where the state of happiness is subconsciously linked with danger or disruption. Overcoming this means re-learning that joy and play are safe and important aspects of life.
In conclusion: For those who identify with the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style, allowing yourself to feel good is both a challenge and a crucial step towards healing. It involves understanding the roots of why happiness feels unsafe and working through those fears to embrace joy without reservation. Through dedicated effort in therapy, self-help, or guided programs, Fearful-Avoidants can reach a place where they feel not just healed, but also open to experiencing happiness and joy freely and fully. Remember, it’s not just about healing to become happy; it’s about learning to allow happiness while you continue to grow and evolve.
So, there you have it. The struggle with feeling good is a common one for those with the Fearful-Avoidant attachment style. But with understanding, self-compassion, and a willingness to challenge old beliefs, it’s a struggle that can be overcome. If you’re on this journey, know that you’re not alone and that there are resources out there to help you, including my Healed and Happy program. And as always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences, so feel free to leave a comment or reach out. Until next time, keep growing and keep healing.