Why stressful times cause doubts as a fearful avoidant

Hey there, you beautiful human,

These days, it seems like we’re all living in a pressure cooker, doesn’t it? From the lingering effects of the pandemic to global conflicts, it feels like the world’s in a state of constant upheaval. And when the world outside feels out of control, our internal world can often mirror that chaos. Today, I want to delve into why stress and uncertainty might lead you to question your relationships and how to interpret these feelings in a way that supports your emotional growth.

Why do I start doubting my relationship when global or personal trouble arises?

When the world around us feels uncertain, our “fear brain” tends to kick into overdrive. This part of our brain is always on guard, trying to keep us safe. But when it can’t directly address the external threats, it often redirects its focus to the personal aspects of our lives that it feels it can control. This shift, unfortunately, often translates into sudden doubts about your relationship. It’s not because there’s something inherently wrong with your relationship, but because the fear brain is seeking a problem it feels it can solve.

But why my relationship? Why not something else?

Our fear brain tends to fixate on decisions that feel substantial and within our control, and relationships often fit this bill. When you’re grappling with immense uncertainty in one area of your life, making a seemingly “big” decision about your relationship can appear as a way to regain control. Choosing to stay in or leave a relationship seems like a concrete action you can take, which might mislead you into believing it would help manage your feelings of helplessness or stress.

What are these feelings really telling me?

Often, the doubts or the idea of breaking up serve as a distraction from genuine emotions about unrelated issues. Instead of acknowledging and processing feelings of fear, sadness, or anger about external events, your mind may trick you into focusing on relationship doubts. This displacement can prevent you from addressing the real issues that need your attention.

How can I manage these intrusive thoughts without damaging my relationship?

The first step is understanding that these thoughts might be stress-induced illusions designed to create a false sense of control. Reflect on whether external stresses could be transferring into your relationship insecurities. Then, work on grounding techniques and emotional regulation strategies such as mindfulness, talking with a trusted friend or therapist, or simply allowing yourself to feel your genuine feelings about the world’s troubles without tying them to your relationship health.

Recognizing and accepting your emotions as they are can significantly reduce the need to generate false doubts about your relationship. Remember: these feelings are normal, and understanding their origin is the first step towards alleviating them.

Be kind to yourself and remember, it’s okay to seek help and talk about what you’re experiencing. Your feelings are valid, and addressing them head-on without displacement can improve both your mental health and relationship health. Stay safe and connected.

With love and empathy, Paulien

Why do I doubt my relationship when stressed about other aspects of my life?

When we’re engulfed by stress, be it from global events or personal challenges, our brain’s innate “fear system” kicks in. It looks for areas in our personal life that we can control to compensate for the uncertainty we face externally. This is why you might start doubting your relationships during challenging times — not necessarily because there’s something wrong with them, but because they’re an aspect of your life your fear system feels it can control.

Is it normal to feel like pushing my partner away when I’m stressed?

Ironically, yes. Many of us, especially those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, tend to push away support just when we need it the most. It’s a defense mechanism, where the fear of vulnerability might overpower the need for closeness and support. Recognizing this pattern — what I call the “abandonment flip” — can be the first step towards changing it.

What should I do instead of pushing my partner away?

Allow yourself to be held. Communicate with your partner about what you’re experiencing and let them help you navigate through it. Remember, feeling supported and loved, particularly during times of uncertainty and stress, is not just beneficial but essential.

Do I need to have all the answers to my problems right now?

No way. One of the most self-compassionate things you can do is give yourself permission not to have all the answers. Acknowledging that you don’t need to fix everything right away can be liberating and can reduce a significant amount of stress. Allow yourself the space to explore your feelings without the pressure to resolve them immediately.

Why is it important to allow myself to feel my emotions fully?

By allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions, you’re not suppressing or ignoring them, which can often lead to more intense and prolonged distress. Your body and mind are equipped to process emotions in their own time. Allowing your emotions can lead to a natural healing process, and with time, you might find yourself feeling more empowered and positive.

Final thought:

This journey of managing stress and its impact on our relationships isn’t about achieving perfection or immediate relief. It’s about fostering understanding, practicing self-compassion, and nurturing the connections that provide us with strength and support. Remember, it’s okay not to feel okay sometimes and seeking support during those times isn’t just okay—it’s crucial.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. We’re all navigating this messy, beautiful human experience together.

With love and solidarity, Paulien