Why you want to control your feelings as a fearful avoidant
Introduction: Understanding the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style and Emotions
Welcome! I’m Paulien, and I’m thrilled you’re joining me on this exploration into the intriguing world of emotions, particularly as experienced by those with a fearful avoidant attachment style. Emotions play a pivotal role in our lives and relationships, and understanding them can be both enlightening and liberating.
Why Fearful Avoidants Strive to Control Their Emotions
Why do fearful avoidants attempt to control their emotions? It’s because they believe that by regulating their emotions — ensuring they only feel the “right” ones, at the right intensity, and for the right duration — they can maintain a sense of safety and stability. However, the irony is that true emotional safety comes not from the control of emotions, but from their acceptance. Embracing all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, paradoxically leads to a deeper sense of peace and security[1].
Unpacking the Misconception of Healing
What does healing look like for a fearful avoidant? There’s a common misconception that being healed equates to a constant state of peace and tranquility, devoid of negative emotions. Many visualize this as a Buddhist monk-like existence where calm reigns supreme. But the reality is, true healing may actually look more like the ability to experience all human emotions — both pleasant and unpleasant — without fear or judgment[2].
The Power of Emotional Acceptance
How does acceptance change the fearful avoidant’s experience? The journey towards healing and emotional freedom for a fearful avoidant involves a seismic shift in perspective. Instead of viewing emotions as threats to be managed or eradicated, understanding them as natural, inevitable parts of the human experience can be liberating. Initially, I too sought to eliminate negative emotions through techniques like meditation, affirmations, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). However, the game-changer came when I realized that I didn’t need to fight these feelings. Accepting them without judgment broke the cycle of emotional suppression and avoidance[3].
The Pitfalls of Emotional Extremes
Why is it problematic to put emotions on a pedestal? Fearful avoidants often regard their emotions as absolute truths that guide their life decisions. This can lead to extreme reactions to feelings, both positive and negative. When emotions, especially negative ones like fear or anger, are given too much weight, they can dictate life choices inaccurately. For instance, intense feelings of love or passion might be misinterpreted as “everything is perfect,” while feelings of discomfort or anxiety in a relationship might prematurely trigger thoughts of ending it[4].
Learning to Navigate Negative Emotions
How should a fearful avoidant manage negative emotions? The key lies not in trying to eliminate negative emotions, but rather in learning to coexist with them. Recognizing and acknowledging these feelings without an immediate reaction allows them to exist without taking over your life. It’s about reducing their power over you by not letting them dictate your actions. For instance, acknowledging, “I am feeling sad right now,” or, “I am experiencing fear,” without immediately needing to fix or escape these feelings, can help lessen their intensity and control over you[5].
Conclusion: Embracing the Full Spectrum of Human Emotions
Navigating emotions as a fearful avoidant can be challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. By changing how we perceive and handle our emotions — not as dangers to be controlled but as natural parts of our human experience — we open the door to true healing and lasting peace. Remember, the path to emotional well-being is unique for everyone, and each step, including the acceptance of all feelings, is part of your personal journey toward a healthier, more balanced life[6].