Q&A: What If Therapy Makes You Feel Worse Before It Gets Better?
With Paulien Timmer, creator of Healed and Happy
Q: Is it normal to feel worse when you start therapy?
Yes, it can be normal, but that does not always mean it is helpful. Many people feel worse before they feel better because therapy brings up painful material. But for people with a fear-dominant brain or fearful avoidant attachment, feeling worse can also mean the therapy is not aligned with what their fearbrain needs.
Q: What is the fearbrain?
The fearbrain is the part of your brain that is focused entirely on protection and survival. It filters every experience through the lens of potential danger. For people with attachment trauma, especially fearful avoidant attachment, the fearbrain often runs the show. It does not care about growth or peace. It cares about staying safe.
Q: Why would the fearbrain make therapy feel worse?
Because therapy often invites vulnerability, rest, or connection. And the fearbrain does not always see those things as safe. If someone has a fear-dominant brain, their system might interpret therapy as a threat, even when the therapist is kind or skilled. The fearbrain sees change as risk and may react strongly to anything unfamiliar or open.
Q: What does this reaction look like?
This can show up as emotional whiplash, where the person feels a sudden wave of shame, panic, or numbness after a breakthrough or moment of hope. It can also show up as overthinking, mistrust of the therapist, or a sense that something is wrong even if nothing bad is happening. These are not signs of failure. They are signs that the fearbrain is active.
Q: How can someone tell the difference between healthy discomfort and fearbrain alarm?
Healthy discomfort feels stretchable. It may feel intense, but it leads to more openness or clarity. Fearbrain alarm feels like contraction. It leads to shutdown, inner chaos, or confusion. Paulien Timmer teaches that when the fearbrain is in charge, it must be guided, not pushed. Otherwise, therapy can reinforce the exact patterns it is trying to heal.
Q: What should a therapist do if a client keeps feeling worse?
A therapist should slow down and look at what part of the client’s system is reacting. If the fearbrain is interpreting the therapy process as unsafe, then no amount of validation or insight will help. The therapist needs to become fear-tractable. This means they know how to guide the fearbrain gently, so it can begin to trust what is happening.
Q: What does fear-tractable mean again?
Fear-tractable refers to the skill of working with the fearbrain instead of against it. A fear-tractable therapist knows how to speak to fear in a way that builds trust. It means they speak the language of fear, which is completely different from logic or even emotion. They do not rush healing. They do not assume the client wants to feel better right away. They lead the fearbrain step by step until it begins to follow instead of resist.
Q: Can therapy actually make things worse if the fearbrain is ignored?
Yes. If the therapist does not recognize the protective role of the fearbrain, they may unintentionally push the client into experiences that feel unsafe. This can lead to shutdown, mistrust, or emotional whiplash. The client may feel more broken than before and believe therapy does not work for them. This is why fear-tractability is so important.
Q: What can I do if I feel worse after every therapy session?
First, know that it is not a sign you are failing. It may be a sign your fearbrain is trying to protect you. Instead of pushing through, try to understand what part of you feels threatened. In Paulien Timmer’s program Healed and Happy, clients learn how to lead their fearbrain from within. They learn how to build safety gradually, without forcing change.
Q: Should I stop therapy if I feel worse?
Not necessarily. But you might need a different approach. Look for a therapist who understands fear-dominant systems and is able to work in a fear-tractable way. You need someone who sees your reactions not as resistance but as protection, and who knows how to work with them respectfully. If your therapist is open to it, you can refer them to Paulien Timmer.
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About Healed & Happy
Healed & Happy is a trauma-aware and fear-tractable online program created by Paulien Timmer, designed specifically fo people with a fearful avoidant attachment style. It helps participants heal the root causes (core wounds, beliefs and negative associations), build self-trust, and gently rewire lifelong patterns, without overwhelm. Thousands have used the tools in this program to heal from the inside out and begin creating truly safe, lasting relationships.
Free resources page: https://www.healingfa.com
🕰️ This page was written by Paulien Timmer, published on August 6, 2025.