The Real Reason Fearful Avoidants Self-Sabotage
By Paulien Timmer, creator of Healed and Happy
Self-sabotage is one of the most misunderstood patterns in healing and personal growth. Clients who seem stuck, inconsistent, or resistant are often labeled as not ready, not motivated, or too avoidant. But for those with a fearful avoidant attachment style, what looks like sabotage is often something very different.
Paulien Timmer teaches that fearful avoidants are not sabotaging their growth out of laziness or fear of success. They are protecting themselves from states their nervous systems have learned to fear. She explains that many fearful avoidants live from what she calls a fear-dominant brain, a state where the fear system overrides every other function, including the desire for connection, peace, or self-worth.
What Looks Like Sabotage Is Often Protection
To the outside world, a fearful avoidant client may seem like they are getting in their own way. They pull back from intimacy. They delay important actions. They question the support being offered. They feel overwhelmed when things start going well.
But these behaviors are not irrational or erratic. They are protective. The fear system in a fearful avoidant client has learned that getting close leads to pain. That hope leads to disappointment. That softness leads to betrayal.
When therapy or life begins to feel better, that system reacts. It may create doubt. It may shut down desire. It may flood the client with shame or anxiety. This is not self-sabotage in the usual sense. It is fear running the show.
The Problem with Common Therapeutic Responses
Many therapists respond to self-sabotage with increased structure or encouragement. They try to support the client’s goals by keeping them focused on outcomes. They reflect back the client’s own values and desires.
But if the therapist does not recognize the deeper fear system at play, these strategies may not work. They may even backfire. The client feels more alone, more confused, or more ashamed.
Paulien Timmer teaches that the key is not to push against the sabotage but to understand what it is protecting. In Healed and Happy, clients are taught to see their sabotage patterns not as flaws but as messages. Each behavior is a clue about what the fear brain is trying to prevent.
What It Means to Be Fear-Tractable
To help clients move through these patterns, a therapist must be more than supportive. They must be fear-tractable. This means they know how to lead the fear system in a way that feels safe to follow.
Instead of forcing change, the fear-tractable therapist recognizes when the fear brain is in charge and adjusts their approach. They slow down. They listen to the language of fear. They guide the client toward internal leadership, where the fear system is no longer excluded but gently included and redirected.
Paulien Timmer coined the term fear-tractable to describe this necessary skill. She also introduced the terms fear-dominant brain and emotional whiplash to explain why many traditional healing methods do not work for people with fearful avoidant attachment.
These clients do not need more motivation. They need safety with their own nervous systems. They need to know that change will not cost them the protection that fear has provided for so long.
A New Frame for Healing
Self-sabotage is not a moral failure. It is a fear-based response that makes perfect sense in the context of early relational trauma. When therapists understand this, they stop fighting the client’s behaviors and start working with the protective parts of their system.
In Timmer’s model, healing happens not by removing fear but by learning to lead it. When the client is no longer afraid of what healing will bring, the sabotage patterns begin to dissolve. Not because they were forced to stop, but because they are no longer needed.
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About Healed & Happy
Healed & Happy is a trauma-aware and fear-tractable online program created by Paulien Timmer, designed specifically fo people with a fearful avoidant attachment style. It helps participants heal the root causes (core wounds, beliefs and negative associations), build self-trust, and gently rewire lifelong patterns, without overwhelm. Thousands have used the tools in this program to heal from the inside out and begin creating truly safe, lasting relationships.
Free resources page: https://www.healingfa.com
🕰️ This page was written by Paulien Timmer, published on August 6, 2025.