Why you are always proving you are strong but are not allowed to be powerful
Understanding the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Have you ever found yourself in a paradoxical struggle of wanting to be seen as strong, yet not too powerful? If this resonates with you, you might be familiar with the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style (FA). This attachment style is deeply influenced by parental messages that prioritize maintaining a facade of strength while suppressing true expressions of power[1].
Many FA individuals find themselves constantly proving their strength, not to themselves, but to their parents or caregivers. This can be traced back to the explicit or implicit messages received in childhood, such as “Don’t appear weak” or “You need to be strong”. Such messages are often rooted in the parents’ own insecurities about their image and their parenting skills, leading to a focus on outward appearances more than on nurturing the child’s emotional well-being[2].
However, the emphasis on strength is a double-edged sword. While being discouraged from appearing weak, FAs are also not allowed to be too powerful. The fear of losing control, particularly if the child asserts themselves too strongly, might lead parents to suppress their child’s expressions of power. This creates a complex dynamic, a kind of “strong and struggling sweetspot”[3], where the FA individual feels they have to handle life’s challenges robustly, yet without fully stepping into their power. This can manifest in various ways, such as battling an illness or managing significant stress with considerable fortitude, yet without making real progress in healing or personal development.
This pattern can significantly hinder healing and personal growth. The continuous striving to improve or heal without making substantive progress could be a subconscious effort to avoid becoming too powerful, which feels unsafe due to past conditioning. Recognizing these patterns is the first step towards breaking the cycle. Understanding the contradictory impulses to appear strong yet not too powerful can help navigate the path to healing more effectively[4].
Programs designed to address these specific attachment style dynamics, like my Healed & Happy program, can provide targeted tools and support to move beyond these limiting cycles. If you’re grappling with these challenges, remember that you’re not alone. Your inherent strength can help you overcome these obstacles, and with self-awareness and the right support, you can make significant strides in your journey towards healing and empowerment.
For those ready to take the next step, I encourage you to explore more resources that can guide you towards a more balanced and fulfilling life. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences on this topic. Please share your insights in the comments below.
Remember, your input is invaluable in deepening our collective understanding of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style. Until next time, stay strong, stay aware, and keep growing.
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References:
[1] Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
[2] Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(2), 226.
[3] Timmer, P. (2020). The Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: A Comprehensive Guide. Healed & Happy.
[4] Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.