Why you feel BETTER than others (and at the same time WORSE) as a Fearful Avoidant

Introduction Welcome to our blog today! I’m Paulien and I’m glad you’re here to explore a topic that resonates with many of us. Today, we’re exploring the intriguing and often confusing dynamics of how we see ourselves in relation to others – specifically through the lens of the fearful avoidant attachment style. Let’s unpack this complex topic with some of the most common questions I receive.

Q: Why do I sometimes feel superior to others and other times inferior?

A: This oscillation between feeling superior and inferior is a hallmark of the anxious-avoidant attachment style. At its core, it’s a defense mechanism. When interacting with others, a person may initially put someone on a pedestal, idealizing them and feeling inferior. But once the dynamics of the relationship establish a sense of safety and acceptance, the same person who was once admired may now be seen in a less favorable light. This flip can bring up feelings of superiority as a way to protect oneself from becoming too vulnerable.

Q: Can you explain this pattern using a personal experience?

A: Absolutely! In my own life, my relationships would often swing between these extremes. For example, with my now-husband Arjen, there were times when I looked up to him so much that he seemed almost flawless. But as he became more emotionally available and secure in his feelings, that admiration could suddenly turn to doubt, causing me to question my feelings for him. This pattern wasn’t unique to him; it was something I noticed in many relationships, both romantic and platonic.

Q: Why does this happen?

A: This behavior is deeply rooted in trauma and protective mechanisms. People with anxious avoidant attachments often grew up with critical or judgmental caregivers. As a result, they learned to adapt by seeking approval from these figures, a pattern that easily carries over into adult relationships. When someone even mildly critical appears, someone with an anxious avoidant attachment may revert to those childhood dynamics, seeking approval to feel safe again.

Q: How does this affect the way others perceive you?

A: When you sense that someone is being critical or judgmental, you may respond by idealizing them to gain their approval or by distancing yourself and feeling superior to protect your emotions. This reaction can make it difficult to create real connections, as you constantly alternate between feeling “less than” or “better than” others, never truly seeing each other as equals.

Q: What can be done to overcome this pattern?

A: Recognizing the pattern is the first step. Understanding that this dynamic stems from past traumas and not character flaws or personal failures is crucial. It often requires therapeutic work to address these deeper issues, where you can safely explore and heal from past wounds. Over time, learning to see others as equals, allowing for both their faults and strengths, can help to establish more balanced and healthy relationships.

Conclusion In summary, fluctuating between feeling superior and inferior in relationships often reflects deeper, unresolved issues. It is neither a sign of heartlessness nor of indifference. Instead, it is a protective strategy derived from past experiences, especially common in people with an anxious avoidant attachment style. By working on these underlying issues, one can learn to form healthier, more stable relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. Thank you for joining me to explore this deep and personal topic today!

Understanding Anxious Avoidant Attachment: Key Questions Answered

What challenges do individuals with an anxious avoidant attachment style face?

Individuals with an anxious avoidant attachment style often experience internal conflict in relationships, driven by fluctuating self-perceptions. This pattern can manifest as feelings of superiority or inferiority over others, which stems from deeper insecurities and past traumatic experiences. Typically, these individuals had caregivers who were critical or judgmental, causing them to oscillate between idealism and self-esteem. honoring and doubting or devaluing others in relationships. Such a dynamic leads to a fear of real connection, even though there is a strong underlying desire for it.

Why is connection so challenging for people with anxious avoidant attachment?

People with anxious avoidant styles recognize the potential joy in connection but are simultaneously held back by intense fear and negative associations with being close to others. Their life experiences have taught them that relationships, while potentially fulfilling, can also be threatening or painful. This ongoing conflict creates a desire for intimacy coupled with defensive withdrawal, leading to a pattern of pushing others away, then feeling isolated and then longing for closeness again.

How does healing change the relationship dynamic for someone with anxious avoidant attachment?

Healing from anxious avoidant attachment involves untangling the negative beliefs surrounding relationships and connection. As individuals process their past traumas and begin to understand their worth, they gradually let go of the defenses that dictate that they feel either better or worse than others. This balanced perspective makes interactions less threatening and more open, allowing for healthier and more nourishing connections.

What role does understanding and therapy play in overcoming anxious avoidant behavior?

Recognizing the patterns and triggers of anxious avoidant attachment is the first step toward healing. Therapy and guided support, such as that offered in customized programs like Healed and Happy, address the roots of attachment issues, allowing for personal growth and change. The journey involves cultivating self-awareness, learning to maintain emotional balance, and seeing relationships as safe and enriching experiences.

Can you share a personal update?

Absolutely! In the spirit of connection and life updates, I recently became a mother to a beautiful baby boy named Joshua, bringing my total to two beautiful children. Over the past few months while on maternity leave, I took a break but made sure to have content prepared so you wouldn’t miss a thing. Now, back and settled into my new role, I’m excited to share more insights and continue our discussions on attachment and relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!

Thank you for your continued support and engagement. If there are specific topics or questions you’d like me to cover in upcoming videos or blogs, please don’t hesitate to let me know. Here’s to fostering deeper connections and understanding within all of our relationships!