Why You Have an Obsession for Passion

Introduction

Hi everyone! I’m Paulien, and I’m excited to discuss a topic that many of us find confusing: the obsession with intense passion in relationships. Through my own journey and the countless stories I’ve heard, I’ve learned that a fixation on passion can sometimes mislead us, steering us toward relationships that are less than satisfying or even toxic.

What’s the common misconception about passion in relationships?

Many of us, including myself in the past, have believed that passion is the most important thing in a relationship. We have been influenced by media to think that love must always be explosive, dramatic, and intensely passionate. This view often leads us to believe that a relationship without high-octane passion is somehow lacking. But it is essential to ask yourself – is this really what makes a relationship successful and fulfilling?

How has your perception of love and passion changed over time?

When I met my now-husband, I initially felt calm and peaceful, very different from the intense feelings I previously associated with love. This experience was a turning point, making me realize that what feels good in the body and promotes emotional health does not necessarily fit into the Hollywood model of passionate love. Over time, I learned to appreciate a love that is more like a nutritious meal than junk food – fulfilling, supportive, and truly nourishing.

Is it wrong to want passion in a relationship?

Absolutely not! The desire for passion is natural and healthy. However, it’s crucial to understand where that passion comes from. Are you looking for passion that comes from a place of fear, a desire to be needed, or from old wounds? If so, it can lead to volatile, unstable relationships. Instead, true passion should come from a place of love, intimacy, and yes, even friendship. Friendship provides a stable foundation that can support a passionate, loving relationship.

Why do some people prioritize passion over stability?

This often comes down to attachment styles, particularly the anxious-avoidant type, which places a high priority on intense emotions. People with this attachment style may equate the intensity of their feelings with the depth of their relationships. This perspective may stem from their upbringing, where emotions were either exaggerated or inadequately addressed, making these intense experiences both familiar and misleadingly comforting.

How Can Friendship Enhance a Romantic Relationship?

Friendship as a foundation for romance may sound unorthodox to many, but it is a powerful component of long-lasting love. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman emphasizes that deep, lasting connections often have robust elements of friendship at their core. Friends typically provide support, understanding, and a safe space for vulnerability — all essential ingredients for cultivating both secure attachments and passionate love.

Closing Thoughts

So if you’re struggling with the idea that you need extreme passion in your relationships, consider reframing your perspective. Remember, true passion can coexist with peace, stability, and deep connection. It comes from a healthy place of mutual respect and emotional intimacy, not drama or intensity for the sake of intensity. Nourishing love is like a gourmet meal prepared with loving care – infinitely more satisfying and good for your soul than any fast food.

I hope this exploration helps you on your journey to more fulfilling relationships. Remember, passionate love does not mean living in constant intensity; it means cultivating a deep, abiding love that sustains and enriches your life.

Understanding the Connection Between Passion and Emotional Security

Q: Can chasing intense emotions in relationships be misleading?

A: Absolutely. Often, people confuse the rush of dopamine and adrenaline with love. This confusion can stem from past life experiences, such as unpredictable relationships with caregivers. For example, if a parent’s kindness felt like a relief after experiencing their anger, one may begin to associate love with high emotional intensity. This pursuit of intense emotions is not only misleading, but can also perpetuate a cycle of emotional highs and lows in relationships.

Q: Why are some people obsessed with passion in their relationships?

A: The obsession with passion often masks underlying issues such as perfectionism and a high sensitivity to emotional pain. Many believe that having intense positive feelings will ensure safety and minimize the risk of negative emotions. This misunderstanding can lead to a constant quest for perfection, which is rooted in fear – fear of not being safe, not being enough, or having to confront painful emotions.

Q: How does our “anxiety brain” affect our perception of calm and peace?

A: Unfortunately, for people who have grown up in volatile environments, calm can evoke fear rather than comfort. The “anxiety brain” can associate calm with the calm before the storm, and thus perceive it as unsafe and unsettling. This results in a struggle to accept peace and stability because there is an underlying fear that something bad will happen.

Q: What does true emotional healing look like?

A: True emotional healing involves embracing the full spectrum of our emotions without fear. It involves learning to be okay with both positive and negative feelings. A major turning point comes when we stop trying to control our emotional experiences and begin to allow ourselves to feel everything freely. This shift is liberating and can transform all types of emotional experiences into positive ones, even those that bring challenges.

Q: How can we shift from striving for perfection in emotions to experiencing true passion and love?

A: The key is to understand that passion born of fear is unsustainable and draining. Instead, cultivating passion that comes from genuine connections, such as deep friendship and emotional intimacy, can lead to more fulfilling and nourishing relationships. Healing the roots of fearful avoidance – often seen in those who have experienced early trauma – can help individuals find peace in stability rather than perfection.

Conclusion: Passion is indeed a beautiful aspect of relationships, but it is crucial to ensure that it is built on a foundation of love and trust rather than a compulsion for emotional intensity. By addressing and healing the underlying fears, one can enjoy a more balanced and genuinely satisfying connection.

For those who wish to delve deeper into healing an anxious avoidant attachment style, our “Healed and Happy” program offers personalized guidance in addressing these emotional challenges.

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