3 Reasons You Seek Power Struggles as a Fearful Avoidant

Have you ever noticed that you tend to find yourself in relationships where you either look up to your partner or look down on them? Or that you always feel like you have to work for attention or approval? This dynamic of controlling and being controlled is a classic power struggle, and if you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, it might feel strangely safe—even though it’s exhausting. Let’s dive into three reasons why you seek out power struggles, and why they can feel so familiar and safe, even when they aren’t healthy.

1. Power Struggles Feel Familiar

For many people with a fearful avoidant attachment style, power struggles are what you’re used to. Chances are high that you encountered these dynamics growing up—especially in parent-child relationships. While not all parent-child relationships have to be power struggles, for many of us, that’s how it was for a long time. If you’re fearful avoidant, this dynamic was probably even more intense.

Because it’s what you know, you’re trained for it. When you enter a relationship without power struggles—where your partner truly sees you as an equal and treats you as one—it can feel unfamiliar and even unsafe. Your fear brain kicks in, wondering, “What do I do now?” You might feel lost, like you’re missing the instruction manual. Even though healthy relationships require work and commitment, the skills needed are different, and not having them can make you feel insecure. That insecurity can be a trigger, leading you to push your partner away.

Power struggles, on the other hand, feel like territory you know. You know how to argue, how to pull someone back in when they’re upset, and how to navigate the ups and downs. It’s like you have a blueprint for these situations. But in a healthy, equal relationship, you might feel lost and uneasy.

The solution isn’t to keep seeking power struggles. Ultimately, they’re a frustrating and exhausting foundation for any relationship. Instead, the answer is to learn the skills needed for healthy, equal relationships—so you can feel secure in yourself and know what to do when challenges arise. You don’t have to keep repeating old patterns.

2. You’re Used to Looking Up or Down—Never Equal

If you’re fearful avoidant, you may find yourself always looking up to someone or looking down on them. You might not even realize how black-and-white this dynamic is: you either look up to people (and often develop feelings for them) or look down on them. But why?

When you look up to someone, it’s often because they’re emotionally unavailable and used to power struggles themselves. You have to work for their attention and connection. If you meet someone who is your equal—committed, loyal, and open—you might not even recognize those qualities. Instead, you may find yourself looking down on them.

This happens because, as a fearful avoidant, you’re deeply afraid of true connection. It feels safer to be in a dynamic where you’re either above or below someone, because real connection only happens between equals. As long as you’re not equal, true intimacy isn’t possible—and that feels safe, even if it’s not healthy. So, even if you think you want connection, when it’s actually available with an equal partner, you might unconsciously push them down in your mind, making connection impossible and returning to a sense of safety.

3. You’re Addicted to Performing for Approval

Another reason you seek power struggles is because you’re used to performing for attention. This ties into the dynamic of looking up to people. You’re familiar with working hard for approval, adapting yourself, and trying to please others. When you finally get that approval, you get a rush—a little shot of happy hormones or adrenaline. It’s a high that comes from performing and being validated.

But with an equal partner who loves and accepts you unconditionally, you don’t get that high. There’s no need to work endlessly for approval. Instead, things might feel boring, and you might find yourself looking down on your partner. The drive to perform and get that approval is so ingrained that you can become almost addicted to it.

When you’re no longer performing for approval, you might feel uneasy or bored. That’s a sign that this is something to heal within yourself. Otherwise, you’ll keep finding power struggles not just in romantic relationships, but also at work or with friends—always feeling like you have to prove yourself, control others, or be controlled.

Healing the Pattern: From Matches to a Steady Fire

You’re not doomed to repeat these patterns forever. Healing is possible, and it feels so much better than you might imagine. Healthy, equal relationships aren’t boring or empty—they’re rich with love, safety, and warmth. It’s a deep, lasting feeling that’s so much greater than the fleeting high of approval.

I like to think of it this way: when you’re working hard for approval, it’s like trying to get warm by lighting matches. Each time you get approval, it’s a little flame that warms you briefly, but it quickly goes out, so you have to light another match, and another. It’s exhausting, and eventually you run out of matches.

But when you’re in a healthy, equal relationship, it’s like building a fire with big wooden blocks. The fire keeps you warm for a long time, and you don’t have to work nearly as hard—just tending to the fire every now and then is enough.

If you recognize yourself in these patterns and want to experience that deep peace, love, and security, know that it’s possible. There’s a fire waiting for you, one that can keep you warm without all the exhausting effort. You deserve that warmth and safety.