Overcoming Fearful Avoidant Attachment: 5 Signs of Healing

Welcome, I’m Paulien, and I’m so glad you’re here. If you’re at the beginning of your healing journey, or somewhere in the middle, it can sometimes feel like you’re climbing a mountain. The idea of being “healed” can seem so far away, almost unreachable, and that feeling alone can slow down your progress. I want to help you move forward at your own pace, on your own terms, and hopefully take away some of those unnecessary obstacles that might be holding you back.

When I look back on my own journey, I realize that my image of what it meant to be healed was completely unrealistic. I thought that being healed would mean never having negative feelings or problems again. Of course, if you’d asked me directly, I would have said, “No, I know that’s not true”—but deep down, a part of me really wanted healing to be this perfect, happy place where nothing ever hurt again. That’s such a logical wish when you’re exhausted from struggle and pain. But I want to be clear: being healed is so much better than being stuck in the crash state of the fearful avoidant style, but it is not perfection.

Perfectionism is a common pitfall for those with fearful avoidant attachment. Many of us hold onto this perfect image of what it means to be healed. It’s important to have a realistic understanding of what healing actually looks like, so you don’t end up being too hard on yourself or thinking you’re further from healing than you really are.

1. Being in a Healthy, Stable Relationship

The first sign that I’ve healed my fearful avoidant attachment style is that I am now in a healthy, stable relationship—and have been for a long time—without doubts or creating drama. For years, I struggled with intense doubts about whether my partner was “the one,” whether I was in love enough, or whether I was just fooling myself. These doubts are so common with fearful avoidant attachment and relationship OCD.

Even when the doubts faded, I still had a pattern of creating drama, either in my relationship or in other areas of my life. But eventually, I was able to truly allow and enjoy the stability and healthiness of my relationship. That’s when I knew I had reached an important milestone in my healing. The core of the fearful avoidant attachment style is push and pull, highs and lows—almost the opposite of stability. If you didn’t have much stability in your childhood, allowing and enjoying it as an adult is a sure sign of healing.

2. Being Comfortable with Vulnerability

The second sign is that I am now totally okay with being vulnerable. This was a huge challenge for me, as it is for many fearful avoidants. Being vulnerable means sharing your needs and expressing what hurt you, without blaming others. I’m still not perfect at it, but it’s so much better than it was.

I used to have intense fears around vulnerability. It felt like if I opened up, people would use it against me later. It felt weak, so I just didn’t do it. Instead, I would lash out, blame my partner, or start doubting the relationship to escape the discomfort. Now, being vulnerable feels natural. I can express my needs and hurts without falling back on old coping mechanisms. I’m not afraid of people’s reactions anymore, because I know that vulnerability is healthy and leads to real connection. If someone can’t accept that, it’s their own process and pain—not mine. This shift has improved my relationships with my partner and others immensely.

3. Handling Triggers with Ease

The third sign is that I don’t get triggered easily, and when I do, I can handle those triggers so much better. I used to think that being healed meant never getting triggered at all, but that’s not true. There’s a big difference between perfection and secure attachment. Healing means you respond in a securely attached way most of the time—about 80 or 90 percent.

I still get triggered sometimes, just like anyone else. But now, the impact is so much less. In the past, being triggered could mean emotional flashbacks, panic attacks, lashing out, or pushing my partner away. Now, I might feel negative emotions, but they don’t overwhelm me or ruin my day. I don’t look for someone to blame; I sit with myself and process what happened. I’m not perfect at this every time—sometimes I suppress things and deal with them later—but I no longer have the reflex to get angry or escape. Triggers are still there, but they’re about 2-5% of what they used to be. My days are calm, even, and stable. When I get triggered, it might last seconds instead of days or weeks. That’s a completely different reality than before.

4. Recognizing Healthy and Unhealthy Behavior in Others

The fourth sign is that I’m not afraid of people anymore, in general. I can now recognize healthy and unhealthy behaviors, which has helped me tremendously. Learning about attachment styles gave me the ability to see that someone else’s unhealthy reaction isn’t about me. I used to believe it was my fault if someone was angry or upset, so I would overcompensate, try to prove my worth, and spiral into shame and guilt.

Now, I see healthy and unhealthy behavior for what it is. It’s not about judging; it’s just about recognizing. Everyone has both, but I know where to set boundaries and how to handle unhealthy behavior without taking it on as my responsibility. I also seek out healthy behavior much more than I used to. Before, I was drawn to people who felt familiar—even if their behavior was unhealthy. Now, I naturally gravitate toward people who are healthy, because that feels safe and good.

5. Allowing Myself to Be Human

The fifth sign is that I allow myself to be human. This is a big one, especially when it comes to perfectionism, which is such a common struggle for fearful avoidants (and really, for anyone with an insecure attachment style). I’m not completely healed from perfectionism; it’s still a pitfall for me, especially in my work, because I want to serve to the best of my abilities. But “the best” doesn’t always mean “perfect”—and that’s not realistic.

I still have negative emotions, I still get stressed, and I still go through rough periods. For example, we recently moved, which was a huge ordeal, and I definitely got out of balance and felt anxious and stressed. But I allowed myself to be human. I let myself feel those emotions instead of trying to force everything to be positive or perfect. Ten years ago, I would have been overwhelmed and blamed everyone around me for how I felt. Now, I just acknowledge that it’s hard and that I’m allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling. That, in itself, is healing.

Healing Is Not Perfection—And That’s Okay

I wanted to share these signs because I don’t want you to think that being healed is a perfect place, or that I’m perfect and never struggle. My life is so different now than it was ten years ago, and that’s because of healing. I have a healthy, stable relationship, I do work I love, and I’m generally happy. But there are still things I want to work on, like perfectionism and self-love. The difference is that the need to fix these things doesn’t feel urgent or overwhelming anymore. I can function well, even through stressful times.

Perfection is not the goal, and it’s not realistic. But even though healing isn’t perfect, it is so much better. You’ll be happier, more relaxed, more centered, stronger, and more powerful. You’ll feel like you can handle so much more without being overwhelmed. It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t have to be.

If you’re on this journey, know that healing is possible—and it’s worth it. I’m so happy you’re here.