Why you NEED to know what your fearbrain is and how it works
Introduction: Understanding the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Do you ever wake up with a sudden jolt of fear or anxiety? For those of us with a fearful avoidant attachment style, this is a common experience. Today, we’re diving deep into the mechanics of the “fear brain,” a term I use to describe our mental state when we’re in the grip of this attachment style. Understanding it can go a long way in helping us manage and heal it. Let’s explore the fear brain by answering some important questions.
What is the difference between psychological fear and physiological fear?
Psychological fear and physiological fear serve different purposes. Physiological fear, such as the fear of heights, is essentially a survival mechanism – it keeps you safe from physical danger. On the other hand, psychological fear activates your “fear system.” This type of fear is more concerned with emotional and mental states and can influence your reactions and behavior in a variety of often complex ways.
How does the fear brain work in someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style?
The primary job of the fear brain is protection. It operates on high alert to protect you from perceived threats and dangers. However, this constant state of vigilance often precludes feelings of happiness and love. It is important to recognize that the fear brain is not concerned with your happiness; its sole purpose is to ensure your safety and security. This quest for 100% certainty leads to a preference for absolute control, which can be unrealistic and exhausting.
Can Understanding the Fear Brain Help in Relationships?
Absolutely. The fear brain tends toward perfectionism and control, especially in relationships. This can create unrealistic expectations for your partner and the relationship itself. For example, if you’re constantly seeking certainty and perfection, you might find yourself feeling disappointed when your relationship encounters naturally imperfect moments. Recognizing this pattern can help you avoid sabotaging relationships or misinterpreting normal challenges as catastrophic failures.
Why Does the Fear Brain React So Intensely in Relationships?
The fear brain operates much like a child’s brain, essentially thinking in black and white. This mindset, developed in early childhood, can make every problem feel fatal — as if every problem could lead to a disastrous outcome. This tendency to seek control and certainty is a way to compensate for feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness.
How Does the Fear Brain Impact Decision-Making in Relationships?
The fear brain can greatly distort your perception of relationship dynamics. For example, it may convince you that ending a relationship is the only way to relieve stress and anxiety, regardless of the actual quality or potential of the relationship. This is because the fear brain prioritizes immediate solutions to stress relief, often leading to impulsive decisions based on fear rather than rational thinking.
How Can You Manage the Fear Brain’s Influence?
Understanding that your fear brain operates from a place of protection and often overreaction is the first step. By recognizing that your intense feelings and doubts may not accurately reflect your actual circumstances, you can begin to challenge these automatic thoughts and responses. Strategies like mindfulness, therapy, and open communication in relationships can help you address underlying fears without letting them dictate your actions.
In closing, while the fear brain tries to protect us, it often oversteps in areas where protection isn’t helpful or necessary. By understanding and recognizing when our fear brain is in control, we can begin to make healthier decisions that align with our true desires and needs in relationships. Let’s continue to learn about our fear brain and find ways to recognize its influence, to ensure it doesn’t overwhelm the essential elements of joy and love in our lives.
Why Does My Fear Brain Influence My Relationship Decisions?
Q: What causes my fear brain to influence my relationships so strongly?
A: Typically, relationships can be inherently triggering for those who have a fear of intimacy and connection. Whenbefore a partner gets closer, it can trigger a fear response. This is not unusual because your fear brain is essentially clinging to your relationship, seeing it as a potential danger that it must manage or even escape.
Q: Why do I feel the urge to break up when I’m afraid?
A: This urge comes from your fear brain trying to protect you. It sees your relationship as the source of your problems and convinces you that by ending it, all your problems will go away. It sees a breakup as an obvious, albeit grand, solution, which seems appealing when you’re in dire straits.
Q: What happens after following the fear brain’s advice to break up?
A: Unfortunately, following the fear brain’s advice often results in a cycle of recurring problems. If you break up because of this fear, chances are you’ll feel the same fears either immediately after the breakup or when you enter a new relationship. This is because the fear brain isn’t solving the deeper issues at play, it’s just trying to remove what it sees as the immediate threat.
Q: Why does the fear brain suggest such extreme solutions, like breaking up?
A: The fear brain operates on urgency — it’s designed to protect you from immediate physical threats, which require quick action. So when it applies this logic to emotional situations, the solutions often seem drastic. It pushes for extreme decisions because, in its view, these decisions offer a quick escape from discomfort.
Q: Could my anxiety actually indicate that my relationship is important to me?
A: Intriguingly, yes. The intense feelings and difficult decisions that your fear brain pushes you toward could actually indicate that you deeply value the relationship. This is a fascinating twist because we tend to see fear as a signal to flee, but here it can mean that there is something worth fighting for that you are afraid to lose.
Q: What should I do instead of giving in to the fear brain?
A: It is crucial to realize that while the fear brain focuses on immediate protection, it fails to address or even recognize the deeper, underlying issues from your past that are influencing your feelings today. Healing and managing a fearful avoidant attachment style requires understanding and addressing these deeper triggers and emotions – not just the symptoms of fear and anxiety.
Closing Thoughts
Modern relationship advice often ignores how deeply our primal instincts influence our romantic lives. Understanding the role of the ‘fear brain’ can open up new avenues for managing and improving our relationships. For those struggling with a fearful avoidant attachment style, recognizing and working through the underlying issues rather than the immediate fears can go a long way toward fostering healthier, happier relationships.
If this sounds like something you’re going through, consider exploring deeper therapeutic work or mindfulness practices to address not just the symptoms, but the roots of your fears. As always, the journey to love and happiness is well worth it.
Do any of these patterns resonate in your own relationship experiences? Let’s talk about it in the comments below, and if you’re looking for more structured help, keep an eye out for future programs and resources specifically geared toward addressing fearful avoidant attachment.