Why You Shouldn’t Just Follow What Feels Good in Relationships

We often hear the advice: “Follow what feels good” or “Follow your heart.” For many, especially those with a fearful avoidant attachment style, these phrases can be incredibly confusing and even harmful. Looking back on my own journey of healing, I wish I could tell my younger self—and now, you—that this advice is not always true. Let’s explore why this seemingly simple guidance can be so misleading, especially when you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, self-sabotage, or attachment wounds.

The Myth of “Feeling Good”

For a long time, I believed that following what felt good was the ultimate truth. But during the most challenging times in my relationship with Arjen (my then-boyfriend, now husband), nothing felt good. I was constantly scared, filled with doubt, and sometimes even repulsed. I questioned my feelings endlessly, wondering why I didn’t feel enough or feel the right things. I thought that staying with him was wrong, that I was too scared or too weak to leave, and that the only reason to stay was a fear of being alone. My fear-brain insisted that I should break up, because “you should follow your heart and what feels good,” right?

What Does “Feeling Good” Even Mean?

Let’s do a reality check: what does “feeling good” actually mean? There are different types of feeling good. Back then, the only kind I knew was the dopamine kind—the rush you get from working for approval or love, and then finally receiving it. It felt like euphoria, but also made me anxious and afraid of losing it. Maybe you recognize that anxious high, where you’re always trying to hold onto a fleeting feeling.

But there’s another kind of feeling good that I didn’t know back then, and I’m so grateful to experience now: a deep, centered peace and calm. It might sound boring if you’re used to chasing those dopamine highs, but it’s so much more fulfilling. This peaceful feeling isn’t dependent on someone else’s approval or love. It feels like coming home to yourself, and it’s stable and unshakable—even when life gets tough.

Now, whenever I’m unsure about something, I follow what feels peaceful and expansive, not what triggers anxiety or contraction. If I notice myself contracting, I know that’s not the direction I want to go. This is a huge shift from the black-and-white thinking I had before, where “not feeling good” meant I had to end the relationship. There’s so much more nuance than that.

Dopamine Hits Aren’t the Same as True Happiness

Many people, especially those with fearful avoidant attachment, mistake the dopamine rush for true happiness or love. We’re used to working for love and approval, so when we finally get it, it feels amazing—but it’s just a temporary high. That’s not what “following your heart” is really about, even though it’s often presented that way with the best intentions. For fearful avoidants, this advice can be especially unhelpful, because we’re already wired to chase those highs instead of seeking lasting peace and security.

Learning to Listen to Your Body

Another challenge for fearful avoidants is that we often haven’t learned to truly listen to our bodies and needs. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to be tired, weak, angry, or emotional. I demanded my body always have energy and be somewhat happy, because that was the only acceptable state. When you’re always demanding and never listening, you lose touch with what you actually need.

It can be scary to start listening to your body, especially if you have negative associations with certain feelings. But when I began honoring my needs—whether that meant taking a break, sleeping, or eating differently—I started allowing all my feelings to exist. This helped my body return to a state of equilibrium, that natural peace and calm. Remember: fear is not your natural state.

When we don’t listen to our needs, we suppress everything and become afraid of our own feelings. We attach stories to them: “If I feel anxious, it means I’m not happy and I need to break up.” But these stories are just your fear-brain talking—they’re rarely true.

Happiness Doesn’t Come From Someone Else

Many of us grow up believing that something or someone outside of us will make us happy. I used to think that finding “The One” would take away all my pain and trauma (which I didn’t even realize I had at the time). I fantasized that the right partner would just know my needs and always say the right thing to make me feel good. But that’s just not possible.

Imagine if someone else could always make you feel good, meet your needs, and take away your pain. You’d be giving away all your power and control over your own happiness. What happens if that person leaves or something changes? Your entire sense of well-being would disappear. That’s not sustainable. You are the only person who will be with you for your whole life. You are your own knight in shining armor. You get to decide to feel love and happiness in your body—especially as you heal your trauma and attachment wounds.

Movies and stories tell us that finding the right partner will bring lifelong bliss, but that’s not realistic. True happiness and love come from within, from knowing and meeting your own needs. Believing otherwise isn’t romantic—it’s a recipe for disappointment and anxiety.

Your Feelings Aren’t Your Boss

When I was deep in my fearful avoidant attachment, I was terrified of my feelings. I thought that if a negative feeling came up, it meant I had to break up—even if I didn’t want to. I felt powerless, as if my feelings were in charge and I just had to obey.

But now I know: feelings are not your boss. Just because you don’t feel good about something doesn’t mean it’s bad, especially if you haven’t healed your trauma yet. Often, what feels bad is actually fear of connection, fear of allowing love in, or fear of rejection and abandonment—not a problem with your partner or relationship itself.

Think about it: if you have low self-esteem, you might look in the mirror and feel terrible about yourself. Is that the truth? No. As you learn to love yourself, your feelings change—even though your face stays the same. The same goes for money: if thinking about money makes you anxious, that doesn’t mean money is bad. You can change your mindset and feelings, and your experience will change too.

So if you don’t feel good about your relationship, it might have nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with your own fears and old pain. When I started looking at my relationship this way, I realized that almost everything I thought was “wrong” with my relationship was actually just my own trauma being triggered. When I healed that, my feelings about Arjen and our relationship changed dramatically.

There’s More Than Black-and-White Thinking

Fearful avoidants often see things in black and white: “I don’t feel good, so I have to break up.” But there’s so much nuance. Ask yourself: what exactly doesn’t feel good? What moments or parts are scary or make you feel contracted? What trauma or fear might be underneath that?

When you heal your pain and attachment wounds, you can have a completely different experience in the same relationship—assuming the relationship is healthy and safe. You don’t have to escape your relationship to feel better; you can change your thoughts, feelings, and heal your old pain to experience more happiness and connection right where you are.

What Happily Married Couples Know

When I interviewed 100 couples who had been happily married for over 40 years, I learned that they knew it was normal to sometimes not feel great about their relationship. They made a point of actively seeking the good in their partner and admiring them. For many fearful avoidants, this feels scary—like you might miss real issues or fool yourself. But the consequence of always looking for problems is that your experience of the relationship becomes much unhappier than it needs to be.

There is a different relationship possible within the one you have now, if you look at it differently and heal your pain. You owe it to yourself—and maybe to your relationship—to allow that version to exist and to make peace and safety your new normal.

Don’t Just Follow “What Feels Good”

Simply following “what feels good” is a simplistic way of looking at something deeply complex. If we had no pain, trauma, or negative experiences with love and attachment, maybe this advice would work. But for most of us, it doesn’t. Chasing a fleeting good feeling—often just a dopamine hit—has led many people to end relationships or marriages that could have been deeply fulfilling with healing and understanding.

I’m passionate about this because I want you to experience true happiness and know what truly feels good in your body. That’s something much more nuanced and lasting than a temporary high.

Remember:

• Not all “good feelings” are created equal—learn to distinguish between fleeting dopamine hits and lasting peace.
• Your feelings are not your boss. You have the power to change your experience by healing old wounds.
• Happiness and fulfillment come from within, not from someone else.
• There is so much more possible for you and your relationships when you move beyond black-and-white thinking.

You deserve to feel safe, loved, and at home in your own body and relationships. Healing is possible, and with it comes a new way of experiencing love—not just chasing what feels good, but building something truly good and lasting.